more insight from Liam on seeking

Liam showed me the other aspect of the soul in hide-and-seek yesterday. The Atlanta heat and humidity gave me the opportunity to be his indoor jungle jim as we played in his tent and connecting tunnel. Given my size relative to the tent, I did not have the option of moving around and looking for him. Still he made a game out of finding me halfway in and halfway out over and over and over again. He crawled through the tent door over my hips, rolled onto the floor in front of me, sat up and proudly announced, "Hi!" Then he would race through the tunnel to come around and do it all over again. Despite the fact that I was always right where he left me, I realized he was enjoying the search too.

We were made to be searching all life long. Yes, we deeply desire to be found, but we also know we have to pursue something beyond what is offered by culture or politics or our parents. And in our searching we are found.

Great happiness is found in finding something for which one has searched. If I never search for anything, I am never delighted by finding anything. The search is indicative of desire, of hope, of aspiration, of need.

How much greater then is the elation when we find more than what we were looking for? Several months ago I looked in an old wallet for coupons and found $115 instead. Coupons would have been exciting, but I was beside myself when I found cash. In the same way, Liam loves to find me, but when he finds a ridiculous expression on my face or when I scoop him up to hug and tickle him he is even more enthusiastic about finding me than before.

Our role in the divine story of hide-and-seek is not a passive one. God is the Author of all searching and of all being found. He is passionate about finding us because we bear His image. But He is equally passionate about being found by us because our greatest delight in Him is His glory.

We are made in His image and therefore come to life in both searching for Him and being found by Him. We do not earn holiness or privilege by searching for Him; all merit was won by Jesus Himself. But we know and enjoy Him most when we set our hearts toward finding Him in all things.

Eternal joy is found in searching for Jesus Christ. He wants to be found. And He will always be greater than we ever dreamed.

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord,..." Jeremiah 29:13-14

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!" Psalm 34:8

still playing peek-a-boo

Liam has taught me many spiritual life lessons these past 11 months. Our last week together is proving to be no different.

We have played some version of peek-a-boo almost every day we've spent together. Whether it has been the literal game where I cover my face and then shout "peek-a-boo!" as I move my hands away, or the simplified 2-year-old version of hide-and-seek, we have had several hours of fun looking for each other.

Yesterday as I changed Liam's post-nap diaper, he put his hands over his eyes and the game began again: "Where's Liam?! I cannot find him anywhere! Where did he go??" With the biggest smile and my favorite giggle he quickly put his hands down and relished my exaggerated look of surprise and relief over having found him. He laughed his deep belly laugh and quickly covered his face again. We could have continued indefinitely.

Some days the game is that simple. Some days he actually hides himself behind the kitchen curtains so I have to rustle through them to find him. But I realized yesterday that he will always love being found. I still love it. And I bet you still love it too (although I doubt we really think about it that regularly).

The thrill takes different forms as we grow older, but the relief and excitement of being found is imprinted on our souls just the same. Sure, I still enjoy hide-and-seek when I babysit, but I more deeply enjoy being known, understood, and pursued as time goes on. There is deep satisfaction to be found in sharing one's soul with friends. I see this with my roommates: they see my sin on a regular basis, yet they pursue time with me, they find and love me despite my sin, and we grow closer every time we know each other better and choose to love each other more.

Or think of nicknames. I have more nicknames right now than I have ever had in my life. To be honest, there are several that I did not prefer when they first came into use. But there is something about a nickname that endears the hearts of those who use them. To my way of thinking, a nickname says, "I know you too well to call you what everyone else calls you. I've begun to find out who you really are and I have no intention of stopping right here."

Kelly Clarkson even speaks on behalf of the human race through her platform in pop culture in her song, "You Found Me."

"You found me when no one else was looking

How did you know just where I would be?

Yeah, you broke through all of my confusion

The ups and the downs and you still didn't leave

I guess that you saw what nobody could see

You found me."

I think we were designed for this. Someone is looking for us. He always has been. He always will be.

"Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost...Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost...It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead and is alive; he was lost, and is found." Luke 15

"O Lord, you have searched me and known me!...Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there!...For you formed my inward parts;...How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!...Search me, O God, and know my heart!" Psalm 139

playing in the sand

One day last week I sat and watched Liam playing in his sand box. I sighed and chuckled as he began to pour sand into the shoes on his feet. It was really pretty cute.

"You really think that's a good idea, bud?" I asked him.

Of course he was clueless and happy even when it was time to sweep up the mess it made when we took his shoes off inside.

And I wondered how often the Lord watches me and asks the same question. Not over sin or deviation from Truth, but just the silly things that I do. My quirks, my inefficiencies, my sense or lack thereof of style, what I find comfortable. The way I love to step on crunchy leaves or stick my nose inside my parents' freezer just to smell the cold. The way I dance around my room or sing in the car when He is my only audience.

He must grin and ask me daily, "You really think that's a good idea, Kate?" But I know He delights in me more than I delight in Liam. He made us both. He enjoys us both immensely.

He is so sweet.

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing."

Zephaniah 3:17

pain is love

"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."

Hebrews 12:5-6

You learn a lot by spending 6 or more hours with preschoolers and toddlers every day. It is absolutely impossible to deny the reality of the sinful nature of humanity when you observe the tendencies of children. So many abilities must be learned at these early ages: walking, speaking, climbing, clapping, waving, blowing kisses, tying shoes, reading, writing and using good manners. I have countless precious opportunities to teach all my little boys how to perform these basics of life.

Do you know what they do well without instruction? Sin.

I did not teach them to throw their food off the table in impatient rage.

I did not teach them to hit.

I did not teach them to play with the water dispenser.

I did not teach them to yank on the plants.

I did not teach them to use unkind words.

I did not teach them to pout over wanting what others have.

Oh no, these lessons would have been much easier, but they were highly unnecessary.

Discipline is one of the themes of my life for this year, one of my goals. I even painted the word on my wall as a daily reminder of what I am living toward. Therefore, the Lord teaches me discipline in every avenue of learning I encounter. While my original intent was to focus on self-discipline/self-control, He has shown me my need for His discipline and the love at its core. Andy preached on Jonah's experience with the Lord's discipline in a series entitled "White Flag", the blogs I read have highlighted it, and I see it in my interactions with these boys almost daily.

Andy first got me thinking. He referred to the spankings he got from his dad during his series on Jonah, and he explained that the reasoning behind what is often a controversial tool is that children need to associate rebellion with pain. My parents spanked me and I am glad they did, but I had never heard such a practical, logical and concise explanation of the psychology behind the practice. It made sense, I could appreciate it, and the idea continued to simmer in the back of my mind.

Through observation and reflection I realized that rebellion that is not met with pain merely draws attention, and for so many children who hold attention as the end, misbehavior becomes the easiest means.

The next lesson came from a blog post entitled, "3 Reasons Why Discipline is Harder Than Punishment," by Michael K. The distinction he wants to make is that punishment is simply the consequence for a wrong choice or action, while discipline is the intentional instruction that shapes the heart of the child being disciplined. He says,

"Punishment is about behaving; disciplining is about becoming. When you choose the hard, long, thoughtful road of discipline, you are more concerned about the future – the long future. You are seeking not just to break bad habits, but to instill a need for the gospel now in your kids that will form not just their actions but their hearts in the years to come."

I pray that the Lord gives me words as I interact with Houston and Liam to show them how much I care about their hearts.

Each of these truths is reiterated by their reality that is on display in the lives of each of my little boys. When Liam wants to hold on to the wheel of his wagon as I pull him to the park, is it more loving for me to let him do so or to stop him before his fingers get scratched? When this happened yesterday I made a huge connection: Rebellion must be associated with pain because rebellion always leads to pain. No matter how slight the initial offense may seem, ultimately rebellion of any sort leads to eternal separation from God. Rebellion is part of our fallen world, and nothing good comes out of it.

Praise be to God who graciously redeems us from our rebellion and gives us every mercy and grace in relationship with Him! He takes our rebellion and uses it for His glory, even allowing rebellion for a time until He brings all people under His rule. But He simply could not be a loving God if He did not discipline us. If He, in His infinite wisdom and knowledge, knew that greater pain, suffering and depravity awaited unchecked rebellion, did not discipline us or allow us to experience pain, He would not be good. He would not be loving. He would not be worthy of worship.

"Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."

Proverbs 13:24

If God were more concerned with my happiness in the immediate than with my destruction in the future, He would be too human for holiness. He would not be other. He would be cruel. He would be heartless. He would be hateful and hated.

However, He disciplines those He loves. And we see through the Easter season that He did not hesitate to incur on Himself the pain and agony of His wrath in order to fulfill His eternal purposes for mankind. I pray He never withholds pain and discipline from me that would make me more like Jesus Christ, and I trust His Word that He will finish this work. At the core of God's discipline is His love and goodness. His goodness is His glory. That is what I want.

sweeping

The average 20-month-old has an attention span of approximately 3.5 minutes. What I wouldn't give to be able to entertain Liam with one activity for longer than that! Eating holds his interest a considerable while longer, but as soon as his tummy is full he moves on to satiating his hair and wearing his plate as a hat. When that is old, he drops everything on the floor with an "uh oh!" to hide his intentionality.

Today, however, I recognized one activity that grasped his attention unlike any I have ever seen.

We were only at the park for a few minutes because the wind was much cooler than I had anticipated, but we were there long enough for Liam to watch an older boy jump off of the high play set several times. Liam looked on with wonder and I nervously followed him up the stairs after reading the open book his little mind displays. I could tell he was thinking, pondering, admiring, contemplating his own attempt. I am grateful he opted for the slide instead (and the smaller one at that). But the wheels in my own head began to turn in fascination at his desire to emulate. He is a copycat. It just comes naturally.

When we got back home I pulled out a broom and dust pan to clean up from his previous time in the sand box. Of course he was instantly fascinated by the things I really needed to use, but he watched in wonder as I swept the sand into a pile and then into the pan. As soon as I finished my task I handed him the broom. He did not look to me or consider any other interest for more than 20 minutes. I was astonished. He was so happy to "sweep" that he literally did not care what I was doing for nearly half an hour.

In all of this I realize that we are wired for emulation. Just as we need no lessons in sin, we need no lessons in copying. No one has taught Liam to sin, and no one has taught him to mirror his observations. This comes naturally for him.

It comes naturally for me as well. I am always imitating someone else, whether consciously or subconsciously. I hope and pray that more and more my life parallels that of my Savior, the One whose image I desperately want to define my own.

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children." Ephesians 5:1

"Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith." Hebrews 13:7

"Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God." 3 John 11

"Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ." 1 Corinthians 11:1

"And you became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you received the word in much affliction, with the joy of the Holy Spirit, so that you became an example to all the believers in Macedonia and in Achaia." 1 Thessalonians 1:6-7