Stephen left early this morning for the last stint of his state-ordered training. He will have one more week at home at the end of September (we think/hope), but thus begins the "single wife" season as Lauren moves in today and I start to figure out a new rhythm for life.
We spent a wonderful long weekend at the beach with his parents, sisters, brother-in-law, nephews and Granny. I cannot think of a better way we could have used those last few days together. We had a blast with family and 16 sweet hours together road-tripping.
Grief did not truly set in until we turned out the light last night. There are certainly times when I dread doing things by myself, like going to church, taking care of my car, things with other couples. But the over-arching sentiment is always simple sadness over missing Stephen. Incredible how quickly and thoroughly he has become my best friend and my better half. These tears wet my pillow as we fell asleep together one more time last night.
Today, however, I am praising the Lord for mercies that come new every morning!
Joy. Purpose. Peace.
Today I am feasting on Christ, overwhelmed by His provision over my heart and soul. I am overflowing with gratitude for the precious people who have texted, called, emailed and prayed. I am looking forward to eating frozen yogurt for dinner, helping Lauren move in, spending time with the friends I've missed so much, and finding a new routine for a new season.
I almost feel guilty. The temptation is there. I feel like I should be crying my eyes out, hypersensitive, wanting to remind everyone how hard this is. But today just is not hard. Miraculously, graciously, affectionately not a challenge.
So I'll take it!
And when the temptation creeps back in to borrow tomorrow's difficulty, or Christmas's or July's, I am reminded of the Israelites gathering manna in the wilderness. In response to their cries of starvation in the desert, the Lord gives them bread from heaven each morning to satisfy their needs throughout the day. The bread, called "manna," was to be used as the Lord instructed:
"'Gather of it, each one of you, as much as he can eat...' And the people of Israel did so. They gathered, some more, some less...whoever gathered much had nothing left over, and whoever gathered little had no lack. Each of them gathered as much as he could eat. And Moses said to them, 'Let no one leave any of it over till the morning.' But they did not listen to Moses. Some left part of it till the morning, and it bred worms and stank...Morning by morning they gathered it, each as much as he could eat..." Exodus 16
Today I have a hunger, and the Lord has satiated it completely. To worry about tomorrow or the coming year as a whole would be to hoard a year's worth of worries to fit under one day's worth of grace. Today's grace is sufficient for today. And as hard and strenuous as some of the approaching days will be, they will not come alone; they will come with a full portion of all-sustaining grace.
Stephen's mom, Loette, was also sweetly encouraging this weekend. She has also faced the challenges of deployment in different phases of life, and I am overwhelmingly grateful to be so close to someone who has shared this burden. She said it can be tempting to view this deployment as something to "get over" before we can move on with the rest of our lives, especially given that we have not quite been married six months yet. But what she said next, and what I must continually be reminded of, is that deployment is now and it is life. This is the purpose for which we were married, this is the calling we have been given, this is where our vows and our prayers of commitment to God and to each other meet reality.
And that excites me! We are one flesh no matter where our bodies are located, and we have been uniquely called to this time and place and mission to know God more and to make Him known. Praise the Lord for giving us hard things to do!
Now, that does not mean that I will relish every moment Stephen is away, or that I don't sometimes hope the next 13 months pass quickly. We did get married for a reason, in hopes that we would actually spend our lives together, and to deny that desire would be an indicator of hearts set askew. But there is overwhelming hope and joy in the presence of Christ and the good news of His gospel, that this life and this marriage are not about us or our happiness, and can therefore be beneficiaries of the hardship we expect in the year we have just begun.
Song of the week: "O Love That Will Not Let Me Go" by Indelible Grace
O Joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to Thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn' shall tearless be.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
1 comment:
Beautiful post, Katie. Christ's renewing daily presence will be with both of you-- with all of us, until Stephen returns safely home. I know that your prayers and dedication to God's will will be sustaining until you are together again! (Plus, we're all prayin' for ya, too, sista!)
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