surreal

One-quarter of the way through deployment, and the word that comes to mind? Surreal.

My marriage is surreal.

It is maintained by silent prayers throughout the day, hours, sweet and precious and few, that I behold his face upon this same screen, attempts at reading books and books of the Bible in tandem, and the emails we wake up to that were sent while the other was sleeping.

My struggle is surreal.

Ha! Well, praise the Lord, it is surreal today. Some days (if not most?) it is very real, very raw, very uncontrollable and painful. But today I pause to look at this day and wonder over the fact that it has been so dreaded for more than a year. 

And my community is largely surreal.

Some friends check in more than others, and some people ask how I'm doing while others do not, but I almost always walk away from conversations in awe of the fact that I will never truly communicate the experience well. Unless you have experienced it, you, yes, you reading these words at this moment, have no idea what life is like. And even those of us who have been or are now in the thick of it lead such different lives that our take on things can be altogether opposite at times.

But this is reality: I am married to a man who is not here. Today is the 96th day that my heart has been moving or stationed away from me. I won't bore your with all the meals, holidays and big life events we've celebrated apart, but this is my life. 

And it's weird. 

Some days calling it weird would be cruel and grossly understated, but today it is just bizarre. 

This is my life. And no one else understands exactly what it is like. In fact, it often seems that everyone else is moving along normally and treating me normally while I, in this snow globe called "deployment," am uselessly pantomiming the true state of my heart and life.

And the odd thing is, some days it becomes normal for me. 

Such a growing experience, honestly, in giving grace. I pray my heart is this year softened toward those whose lives feel anything but normal. 

Yet my hope is this, today and always, though feelings shift (sometimes swing): that Christ is near and fully aware, entirely understanding, thoroughly empathetic, perfectly compassionate.