married, but single

Atypical as our first 13 months of marriage have been, marriage is, without a doubt, accomplishing the purpose God intended it to. It is, by His grace, making me more like Jesus.

But how?

Not through the "bonus" purposes I hoped marriage would fulfill. I don't have constant company with Stephen. I don't have physical protection, provision or intimacy with him. I don't get to double date or pursue motherhood.

No, these secondary and tertiary purposes are stripped away this year, leaving the only two purposes that marriage will ever be founded on biblically.* One of refinement and greater dependence on the Good News that because Jesus died on my behalf, I am free to struggle, fail and fall forward toward Him and into His likeness. And the other that marriage must move us to a place where we are better equipped and positioned to advance His kingdom. 

In all honesty, our marriage is accomplishing little if anything else at all apart from these things right now. Stephen and I are highly blessed by and grateful for the technology that enables us to maintain involvement in each others' lives to these ends, and our love surely deepens and strengthens as we seek these God-given purposes together.

But if any other standard or measurement were the rule for worthwhile marriages, ours would be doomed in this year-long separation. We laugh and enjoy our video chats, but our lives are not bliss and happiness. He is extremely competent and faithful in managing our finances and planning for our future, but he's not taking out the trash or planning cutesie dates or driving me all over town. Neither am I doing his laundry or massaging his shoulders or cooking him meals. 

Even less frivolous than these things, we are not able to share every part of our hearts with each other. We cannot talk and process and plan together to our hearts' content. Knowing each other is a more challenging mission to pursue than ever before.

At the risk of mimicking complaint that is not my aim or heart, I will bring these thoughts to a close for now by saying that deployment is tangibly removing the fluff from my expectations and perceptions of marriage. I pray we will have many more seasons of enjoyable togetherness to come, but there is something sweeter forming in the hardship, the difficulty, the separation. Something deep, stable, satisfying. The supremacy of Jesus in and for all seasons.

I am a wife, but that is not my identity.

I am married, but Stephen is not my whole world.

I feel lonely, but I am never alone.

Life and marriage are thriving, not because it is easy and we are happy, but because our Savior is good.

Marriage, as with all of life, is for Jesus. Nothing more and nothing less.

And therein lies all my hope.

Glory to God!

*Not to say that procreation is not a biblical purpose of marriage; I believe it is and should be pursued. But that is a different topic for a different season of life!