With only one more month of Autumn left, it seems that time is dragging on quickly.
On the one hand the first month and a half has not seemed too bad overall. The weeks go quickly so that Sunday is already hours away. Another week comes off the countdown as we look into another week to come.
On the other hand, especially as Stephen has yet to reach his final destination, the thought of doing these seven weeks seven (ish) more times is staggering. But we only have to handle one day at a time, right?
So the question has become, how do I fill those days?
Everyone has lovingly advised me to stay busy while Stephen is gone. Mission accomplished. I have been busy. Very busy. And if you know me well, you know that busy is not my finest suit. I am a home-body, laid-back, down-time-dependent human being (I mean, the apple doesn't fall far...). As an introvert and the daughter of Sally Lawrence, I have neither the mental, emotional or physical stamina required for constant doing. My mind and body literally revolt when I push too hard.
Unfortunately, that is what I have been doing for much of the last seven weeks. For five of them I was battling a sore throat and smoker's cough. Cleaning out the air filter in our condo this past week has helped enormously, but lack of sleep and meals out or on the go have crippled my body's ability to heal.
The issue certainly has not been frivolous activity. I have spent time with so many people I care about, learning about and spreading awareness about issues in our city, loving on my favorite 18-month-old, celebrating a wedding and several new babies, walking with friends and taking college girls to fro you, making new friends and welcoming them into circles of old friends (which may have necessitated my participation in a Twilight marathon), movie nights with Nate and cooking dinner for his roommates, dinner and chick flicks with Lauren and Maggie, writing on various projects and jobs, and occasionally doing laundry or cleaning the floors. Whew. It has been crazy.
And as I have regularly emailed Stephen updates on all that's going on, he sees better than anyone just how hectic my schedule has become. I am grateful for technology that keeps us up to speed on each other's lives, and I am even more grateful for his leadership in helping me see that my current patterns are not sustainable for a productive, healthful year (or life post-deployment for that matter). More than that, he has been quick to point out that this is not who God made me to be. I have some amazing friends who do everything under the sun and do it well. I love seeing the Lord work through them! But at times my appreciation for their ability to do this morphs into a copy-cat complex of some sort and I find myself running the rat-race of comparison. Stephen knows me. He knows me really well, and he has for a long time. If not for that, he would not be able to lead me out of this identity crisis and into real life. I could not be married to anyone else.
You see, while most people at least know that I nanny, many don't realize that it is, in fact, a full-time job. I work 45 hours a week in a salaried child-care position under a contract that allows for sick days and vacation days and prohibits me from smoking in the house or around the child. Granted, circumstances frequently allow me to leave a little early, but for planning purposes, 45 hours of my week are filled every week, no matter what. And honestly, I have to remind myself of these facts frequently; when you enjoy your job as much as I do, it's easy to think it doesn't take up as much of your time as it does. So it isn't a bad thing, but taking care of Juliet is my work and it is the main thing I do in this stage of my life.
In light of this revelation, that her care and development are a focal point of my ministry and not just an opportunity I have because she is my job, I am free to slow down in my "extracurricular" endeavors. For as long as I am called to care for Juliet, I will need to limit myself after work so that I can be my best for her. A tired, sick, run-down "Daydee" is not what either of us needs.
Realizing that I can only do a few more things well outside of work, I have been praying that the Lord would bring to the forefront His priorities for my time. Much to my surprise, though it does not seem to surprise anyone else, writing is the one thing He keeps bringing up. No particular people to invest in or causes to take up; no new hobbies or personal goals to pursue. Writing. This is it. Other than pursuing a handful of close friends, Juliet and writing are my priorities for the year.
And I am so excited!!
What does this mean? Within the next week I will finish up my first writing "assignment" and pour myself wholeheartedly into writing the last 94 wedding gift thank yous. I have also almost completed a compilation of poetry from the last decade. To publish? Not to publish? Eh, we'll see! And then, Lord willing, I will turn my attention to writing a book for girls younger than me--things I wish I had known before now.
So here I am, at the end of a day that was over-planned, at the end of a week that was over-planned, sitting in my pajamas on the couch doing what I was made to do. I'm grateful for the freedom to do this.
"Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind." Ecclesiastes 4:6
...mmmmmmm...
