"I tan't see!"

As Juliet approaches her second birthday and grows more and more conversant every day, I wonder even more how much of my personality is rubbing off on her. Many parents have told me that the most convicting thing about having children is to see your own sin in their little hearts and lives. Well, whether it's my influence or our shared birth order as first children, we are both experts at one thing: backseat driving.

If you have ever driven me anywhere, you can almost certainly attest to this. I like to know where I'm going, I generally do, I pay attention to your driving, and I rarely hesitate to offer navigational advice from your backseat. I could go ahead and blame it on my dad, world's best driver, rides with no one, seasoned Atlanta commuter for 20 years. In all honesty, I did learn from the best. But the truth is, I probably owe you an apology for bossing you around when you were, in fact, serving me.

Rest assured, I am getting a heaping dose of my own medicine these days as Juliet and I scoot around town to music class, story time, and parks across north Atlanta. 

It started a few months ago with, "How 'bout....this way?" as she points opposite my turn signal at every stop light or sign. I try to explain, "We can't go that way because the park/stories/music is this way." Funny how little she understands of the concepts despite her ability to say all the words. Sometimes she'll even pucker her lips, furrow her brow, and pout, "But I don't want to go that way."

(I wish I could express through writing how comical her pronunciation is these days. All -ck sounds are still -t, most -n and -g sounds are -d, and -w is likely to be -v.)

As her color identifying skills have been perfected in the last month, she has become fascinated with announcing traffic light status reports every chance she gets. It goes something like this:

"The wight is wed. Wed means stop!" ("The light is red. Red means stop!")

"The wight is deed. Doe, Tayee, doe!" ("The light is green. Go, Katie, go!")

She gets particularly concerned when I turn right on red, a grey-area her baby-mind cannot quite grasp yet.

But my personal favorite of the last two weeks has come about when we stop behind several bigger cars at a light. Juliet strains with all her might to peer around the front seat in order to give her light color report.

"I tan't see! I tan't see!"

And then.

"Tayee and Juyet are stut! Dat bid tar's in da way!" 

I try to explain two things, neither of which seem to go over very well.

"It's ok, JuBe, you don't need to see. Katie can see, and only Katie is driving."

Followed by.

"We're not stuck, sweet girl. We are just waiting for our turn."

She will typically calm down for a moment, but it's only a matter of time before we find ourselves "stut" at another of the five thousand lights around the Perimeter Mall area. 

And as much as I start to feel bored of the conversation by the fifth round on a one-way ride, I have to chuckle and know I do the same thing to Jesus. "I can't see! I can't see! We're stuck! That big ____ is in the way!"

And it is just as absurd for me to worry as it is for Juliet. Tucked into His arms of grace, buckled in by His blood, I am just along for the ride. Same as with Juliet, my ability to see or make navigational choices is not critical to getting where I'm going. Oh for sure, I could mutiny and take back the wheel. Sometimes I do. But if I am trusting Jesus to drive, I can relax and enjoy His company.

married, but single

Atypical as our first 13 months of marriage have been, marriage is, without a doubt, accomplishing the purpose God intended it to. It is, by His grace, making me more like Jesus.

But how?

Not through the "bonus" purposes I hoped marriage would fulfill. I don't have constant company with Stephen. I don't have physical protection, provision or intimacy with him. I don't get to double date or pursue motherhood.

No, these secondary and tertiary purposes are stripped away this year, leaving the only two purposes that marriage will ever be founded on biblically.* One of refinement and greater dependence on the Good News that because Jesus died on my behalf, I am free to struggle, fail and fall forward toward Him and into His likeness. And the other that marriage must move us to a place where we are better equipped and positioned to advance His kingdom. 

In all honesty, our marriage is accomplishing little if anything else at all apart from these things right now. Stephen and I are highly blessed by and grateful for the technology that enables us to maintain involvement in each others' lives to these ends, and our love surely deepens and strengthens as we seek these God-given purposes together.

But if any other standard or measurement were the rule for worthwhile marriages, ours would be doomed in this year-long separation. We laugh and enjoy our video chats, but our lives are not bliss and happiness. He is extremely competent and faithful in managing our finances and planning for our future, but he's not taking out the trash or planning cutesie dates or driving me all over town. Neither am I doing his laundry or massaging his shoulders or cooking him meals. 

Even less frivolous than these things, we are not able to share every part of our hearts with each other. We cannot talk and process and plan together to our hearts' content. Knowing each other is a more challenging mission to pursue than ever before.

At the risk of mimicking complaint that is not my aim or heart, I will bring these thoughts to a close for now by saying that deployment is tangibly removing the fluff from my expectations and perceptions of marriage. I pray we will have many more seasons of enjoyable togetherness to come, but there is something sweeter forming in the hardship, the difficulty, the separation. Something deep, stable, satisfying. The supremacy of Jesus in and for all seasons.

I am a wife, but that is not my identity.

I am married, but Stephen is not my whole world.

I feel lonely, but I am never alone.

Life and marriage are thriving, not because it is easy and we are happy, but because our Savior is good.

Marriage, as with all of life, is for Jesus. Nothing more and nothing less.

And therein lies all my hope.

Glory to God!

*Not to say that procreation is not a biblical purpose of marriage; I believe it is and should be pursued. But that is a different topic for a different season of life!

halvesies

They say that silence is golden, and mine truly has been so far as blogging is concerned. 

For safety purposes I couldn't really share anything about when Stephen was coming home on R&R leave, and my preparations for his arrival were so extensive and consuming I had nothing else to report. However, he has, since my last post, come and gone, and we had a wonderful 10 days together last month.

Over the course of those 10 days we saw our families at a sweet Atlanta brunch, met the babies of our closest friends, watched movies, got coffee, sat on the banks of the Chattahoochee, spent some time in Blue Ridge, hiked, at Chick-fil-A for every other meal, and rested. It was a much needed time of refreshing and reflecting as we also celebrated our first anniversary on March 26th in the mountains. As hard as it was to say goodbye again, Stephen and I could not have asked for a sweeter, more life-giving time together. 

Anniversary Dinner in Blue Ridge

His visit also marked the approximate halfway point of his deployment. I can almost guarantee that his homecoming will not go as we currently expect, but we are, more or less, halfway through the year! Praise Jesus!

And as Jesus would have it, it seems that this chapter of deployment will be quite different from the first in several ways.

The first of two big ones: my friend Cat's husband returned on Sunday for good!!! I cannot tell you how excited I am for them! He left April 8, 2011 and returned April 8, 2012--one year to the day. I am so glad to know they are together again, and I look forward to getting to know Leigh in the next few months as well.

But I probably don't have to tell you that that will change my relationship with Cat quite a bit. I will miss our single-wifing craft nights and movie nights, but I am extremely eager for the new chapter of our friendship as well--the one where I get to see her with her other half! She has been such a source of encouragement, company, sympathy and fun over the last six months. Who knew this deployment would make me a new best friend at the park?? So grateful for her!

My first time dying Easter eggs the day before Leigh came home.

In the wake of this transition, of sending her back into daily married life, my housing situation has also turned to a new chapter.

In the same week I found out that Lauren Jones accepted a job offer in Charlotte while Lauren Baggett was applying for a summer internship in Atlanta. Gentle grace for me here. 

Saying "goodbye" again was one of the hardest things I have done in a long time, but the aftermath has been the same for each of us: deep gratitude and abiding joy. Thank you so much to everyone who prayed for our time together. Jesus answered so faithfully by drawing us to Himself in order to draw us closer to each other. It could not have been more wonderful.

Surprisingly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as I look into the next 6 months. I just pray they'll make Jesus famous.