i got another coat

James' true religion has nestled just under my skin recently. And especially today, Christmas day.

I promise I'm grateful. Really, I am. In the same way that the Incarnation and the Atonement were gifts far above and beyond what I could ever deserve, we thrill to give gifts to others, my parents especially do. And I am grateful.

I am grateful. I have never experienced the lack that I have earned. I have never missed a meal because I could not find or afford food. I have never slept among the elements of cold or wind, rain or snow. I have never been ill and not received treatment. I am grateful to have been spared all these experiences.

But I have been blessed so abundantly beyond survival. I have always had several warm outfits to choose from. I have always had food in the fridge and the pantry, food I neither asked nor paid for. I have always had clean, running water at whatever temperature I desire. I have always had a car with air conditioning to take me to clean, productive schools. I have always had more than one copy of the Bible and access to answers for my spiritual questions. I have always known the love and support of two godly parents. I am grateful.

But today I cannot believe that gratitude is enough. When I really stop to think about the meaning of this day and the billions of other people on the planet, I cannot accept that a grateful heart is all God requires. Honestly, I cannot imagine that just a grateful heart is even honoring to Him at all.

I mean, really? Is He pleased to see me sitting in my house, enjoying extras, and simply offering thanks at meal time? I know He is the giver of all good things, but does He truly delight in my acceptance of another coat or new scarves? Does He smile down on the world on this day we proclaim is His celebration when He sees me, one He has blessed, content to receive more and more for my own enjoyment? I cannot believe this was His intent.

Not when so many are going without. I think of all the children who are sick, cold, exploited, hungry, unloved today. They have no idea that today should be celebrated. What reason do they have to celebrate? Many have never heard the wonderful news of the God of creation entering their world, becoming one of them make a way to have a relationship with them, that He is working through people to restore His image in Creation, that He is making all things new. And even if they heard, would they understand how life-changing His gift is? Would they believe God's story at all by watching my life?

"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit widows and orphans in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." James 1:27

He is stirring in my heart for something big, bigger than this, bigger than self-indulgent gratitude. His Story is too good. He is worth any cost. The children He loves are my responsibility and my joy. If I suffer from the cold in this life, I will rejoice all the more in His radiant light in the next. If I forfeit a day on the beaches of earth, I will splash with greater exultation in the River of Life. If my stomach rumbles for nourishment here, I will all the more savor the sweetness of the Tree of Life.

I just don't want to arrive clean, neat and comfortable. I want to be exhausted. I want to be spent. I want to be wounded. I want this body to be despicable and worn out and in need of a replacement.

Lord, do not let me be stirred but not changed. Refine me in waiting for as long as it takes, but lead me into service that will require all of me for all of my life. Not for my satisfaction. Not for my imaginings of spiritual greatness. But for Your glory. For Your Story. For the coming of Your Kingdom. For Your image perfected in me. Thank You for making that possible. Thank You for initiating in flesh in Bethlehem.

Houstonisms

off limits = off lemons

shin guards = shin gardens

Piper tweet

God never does only one thing. In everything he does he is doing thousands of things. Of these we know perhaps half a dozen.

timely? always.

i love this post on John Piper's blog, especially this summary at the end (emphasis mine):

The Holy Family's first few years were not tranquil. They were filled with grueling travel during the hardest part of pregnancy, a birth in worse than a barn, no steady income, an assassination attempt, two desert crossings on foot with an infant, living in a foreign country, waiting on God for guidance and provisions just in the nick of time. It was difficult, expensive, time-consuming, career-delaying and full of uncertainty.

And it was God's will.

The unplanned, inefficient detours of our lives are planned by God. They are common for disciples, and they commonly don't make sense in the moment. But God's ways are not our ways because our lives are about him, not about us. He is orchestrating far more than we know in every unexpected event and delay.

So when you find yourself suddenly moving in a direction you had not planned, take heart, hold tight, and trust God's navigation.

Advent

Confession: Christmas was never my favorite holiday. The commercialization fueled my celebratory paralysis. The wonder of Jesus' birth was almost completely lost on my self-righteous refusal to get too excited about a holiday that most people associated with a bearded man in a red suit. Praise the Lord because He did not leave me there!

Now I'm the one who leaves Christmas music on my playlists all year long and chooses to listen as soon as Halloween ends. If my budget would allow I would buy every advent book and calendar I see.

I try to wrap my mind around it almost every day, but it just never fully happens. God became a man. A baby.

He left the comfort of His throne to lay in hay. I'm allergic to hay. I can imagine how miserable that would have been. He left the blessed intimacy of the Father and the Holy Spirit to be kissed by sinners; kisses of adoration, kisses of betrayal.

He was born to die. He came to suffer and to die. He did many other things in His 33 human years, but if not for death, all else was emptiness.

He was born to rise. All the power of God resided in Bethlehem's neglected treasure. If not for His resurrection, all else was deception.

He was born to fulfill. The Law. The Promise. The people of Israel had waited expectantly for thousands of years, hoping in the coming Messiah. He was righteous, perfection.

He was born to return. One of my favorite Christmas songs, and so fitting for Advent, says,

"Hear the angels as they're singing on the morning of His birth,

But how much greater will our song be when He comes again to earth!"

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

He was born to be our hope. There is no one greater. No experience more fulfilling than His presence.

He was born to be personal. God had identified Himself to Moses thousands of years earlier: Yahweh, the Lord, I AM. His personal, intimate name. The name that communicates His constant nearness, His intervention in history on behalf of His people. But the name of Jesus is even more personal, our necessity: "Yahweh is salvation." Jesus is the pinnacle of God's deliverance, freedom, promise and power. The very most intimate, intentional expression of love that could ever be communicated.

He was born to send the Holy Spirit. He promised to send the Helper. And now we know intimacy with God; dwelling with Him forever starts at salvation.

So how can I keep from celebrating? There is far too much to celebrate in one short day named "Christmas." Why do I only sing in exultation over Immanuel for one month of the year? I want the joy that the angels announced to characterize my every waking moment. Oh that my heart would prepare room for Him in every day of the year!

And can we talk about Christmas songs for just a minute:

"Come Thou long expected Jesus...

Born Thy people to deliver...

Born to reign in us forever...

By Thine own eternal Spirit

Rule in all our hearts alone

By Thine own sufficient merit (my merit is otherwise hopelessly lacking)

Raise us to Thy glorious throne."

"Long lay the world

In sin and error pining,

Til He appeared

And the soul felt its worth. (God declared that my soul was worth the discomfort of His incarnation)

A thrill of hope,

The weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks

A new and glorious morn'. (mercies new every morning)

Fall on your knees...."

"No more let sins and sorrows grow

Nor thorns infest the ground

He comes to make His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found." (His healing will go forth as far as man's depravity may be found, and that is such a desperate distance)

Joy, unspeakable joy!

God and peer pressure

The disciples did not get it. Simply did not get it.

Peter and the rest of them thought they were on the verge of something huge. They thought they had beat the crowd to the next big thing. And they had. But not at all like what they'd anticipated. They imagined that their relationship to Jesus in the early, less glamorous days was earning them a spot in the inner circle of the government that would overthrow Rome. They figured that any day now Jesus would sit them down for a strategic battle plan meeting, assign positions of authority for as soon as the coup was complete, and send them out to rally the masses. Victory. Luxury. Ease.

Knowing how their stories actually ended, it's easy to think they were just ridiculous. I often take comfort in the fact that they could hear Jesus speak so plainly about the reality of the Kingdom of God and still miss Him so grossly. But really, their expectations were not that crazy. Israel's history was wrought with sin, captivity, restoration, prosperity. God had always sent a deliverer when the people were humbled, and they expected Jesus was the Great Deliverer. He would free them from Rome and establish His never-ending kingdom. The Jewish nation would thrive under their God-King, and the disciples would be there helping to make it happen. What they wanted Jesus to do was really not so outrageous, at least not humanly speaking.

Praise God that He does not need our interpretation of circumstances or our recommendations on the next best course of action! Can we even count the perspectives the disciples simply could not comprehend?

Rome and Israel alike were dominated by sin.

The Pharisees, the Jews and the Gentiles were all equally separated from God.

The animal sacrifices and the intercession of the high priest were not enough to atone for sin.

Jesus, the Son of God, had been pursuing all human hearts since Creation. He left a throne for that cause; He did not come to gain one.

Jesus' entire life was lived in total comprehension of the Father's eternal plan. No detail, no word, no action transpired apart from this knowledge.

What the disciples were looking for was not bad. It could have been a good thing, for Israel at least. Sure, some of their early motivations were questionable, but in their humanity, without the indwelling Holy Spirit, their ideas were not terrible. But compared to the Truth, compared to the greater reality than what they could see, compared to the holiness and magnificent love of God, they were totally lost, in the dark, clueless. And I am so grateful for that.

Thank you, Lord, that you do what you intend to do with or without my understanding or consent. No amount of objection from me can change Your heart, Your plan, Your story. Thank You for listening to me, for having compassion on me, for giving Your attention to the desires and distresses of my heart. But thank You for already having a perfect plan. A plan for Your glory. A plan for my good, for my conformity to the image of Your Son. A plan for salvation, for the redemption of all Your people. Thank You for involving me, but never depending on me. Thank you for letting me learn from You, from Your patient discipleship.

Let my time before You cause radical change in me as it did in Peter.

"And He began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and the chief priests and the scribes and be killed, and after three days rise again. And He said this plainly. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him." Mark 8:31-32

"Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, said to them, '...This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.' Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated, common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus." Acts 4:8, 11-13

God is so far beyond peer pressure. There is hope for me.

another piper tweet

We need God in ways we do not know. Don't limit your experience of God to what you can think to ask. Ask for the unknown joy.

piper's twitter quote today

Lord cut, Lord carve, Lord wound, Lord do anything that may perfect the Father's image in us.

Samuel Rutherford

i love Mark 5

I seriously think it might be my favorite chapter in the entire Bible. There's just something about Jesus there, His compassion and His power, that are so incredibly attractive, irresistible even. I did a speed read through the entire book a few weeks ago, but now I'm feasting slowly, reading all the commentary and taking it in small doses, some days only one paragraph at a time. So today I made it to my favorite chapter. It follows another favorite scene of mine, and one I think I echo way too often: "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" (Mark 4:38) Praise God for His Spirit which transforms silly fishermen and paralyzed sorority girls into men and women after His heart, restored to His image, for His works, to His glory.

As soon as Jesus and His disciples arrive after the storm, He's met by a man who lives among the tombs. He's inhabited by thousands of demons. The commentary said, "The goal of demons is to destroy the person created in the image of God." These were compelling the man to take up stones day and night to cut himself. What a sight he must have been. To come hurling toward the Son of God, fully aware of His divinity because the demons knew Jesus' identity. His need was so obvious. He was naked, bleeding, disturbed, deranged. And Jesus is so gentle, yet so powerful. Loving, but demanding. There was never a question about His authority over the demons, either at the present time or the final judgment His next actions would foreshadow.

Jesus frees the man from captivity to Satan. Talk about a battle against the flesh. His body was literally inhabited by thousands of agents of darkness, death and destruction. No single good thing came from this man for the entirety of his possession. But then Jesus set foot in the land of the forgotten. He sailed across the sea for the singular purpose of meeting this man in the depth of his depravity. At the end of the scene Jesus gets right back into the boat. His work was complete in the man; He had come for no other reason than to display His glorious ability to release him.

The people who come to see the aftermath of the pigs' stampede are afraid. The man who was once uncontrollable and self-destructive now sits calmly, adoringly at the feet of Jesus. He is clothed. Reminds me of the Garden. God is always covering His people. He always provides a covering. The man is in his right mind, no longer bound to the mind of Satan, but freed to think the thoughts of God, to bear His image in grace and truth, perhaps for the first time in his life. He's been healed. Maybe the scabs were starting to heal already. Maybe he had bathed. Maybe his muscles were finally relaxed in the presence of Life.

What sweet relief had found him. And he is in no way ready to let Jesus sail away. His heart starts to break as he realizes Jesus will not allow him to remain in His company right now. He is to stay, to return to his family and friends with the news that the Lord, Jesus, has had mercy on him. And though his love for Jesus makes the parting so very hard, he is compelled by this same love to be obedient immediately to proclaim how much Jesus had done for him. Everyone marveled.

This is me. This is my life. At least the beginning is, and I desperately want the end to be as well. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy my capacity to bear the image of God. He has a quarry full of lies from which to supply the stones that tear me up, incapacitate me, estrange me from people, and keep me from Jesus. But the story does not end there. Jesus has delivered. He has robed me in righteousness. He forgives all my iniquity. He heals all my diseases. He redeems my life from the pit. He crowns me with steadfast love and mercy. He satisfies me with good so that my youth is renewed like the eagle's.

And my heart breaks because He's not here with me now. But His Spirit dwells within me. And while I long to sit at His feet, aching for the privilege of washing my wounds in His flesh with my tears and drying them with my hair, He is sending me elsewhere for now. Yes, my Comfort is in Him, and He is always, always with me. But my purpose is in proclaiming all He has done. The secondhand reports of the miracle served only to frighten the people who heard. But when the man went on his own to testify of the Lord's work in him, the people marveled. Oh that my life would do the same.

cliché

So cliché

But it should have been me

No reason on earth otherwise

Praise the Lord

For my sin on that tree

The love that the Lamb still supplies

do you trust Me?

Do you trust Me?

Do you trust Me?

Your striving heart betrays your lips

Do you trust Me?

Do you trust that

Your days are shaped by My fingertips?

Do you trust Me?

Do you trust Me?

Enough to just let go and see

That when you trust Me

When you trust Me

You're lost in love and you're set free

So will you trust Me?

Will you trust Me?

I'll do all I said I would

For when you trust Me

You show you love Me

And I work all things for your good

seeing my sin

Simple words

to summarize

what my life must be about

Deepest shame

Basest pride

Helpless, hopeless, lifeless drought

Holy God

Justice required

Perfection I can't comprehend

Spotless Lamb

Moved by Love

King of compassion would descend

Perfection modeled

Then blood flowed

Justice, wrath now satisfied

Angels wept

God turned away

How great the cost for whorish bride

In His blood

Now washed white

The Spirit seals with love and power

More like Christ

Until He comes

Be my longing every hour

the tailor's name is Change

good article from one of my subscriptions

lingering

The time in between

Your chosen setting for this scene

All I know is all that I have left behind

With some hopes for what's to come

I am desperate for Your vision

What else can I do with human eyes wrought blind?

I will trust You as I tarry

Something sweeter on the verge

To rush would crush the beauty

Of what I'm unworthy of

For the completion of perfection You are fingering

I am lingering

So quick to run so far

If not my head then in my heart

Impatience always hounding at the door

Jesus, hurry, take Your throne

Master of my heart, Your home

In all my waiting I declare You Lord

I will trust You as I tarry

Something sweeter on the verge

To rush would crush the beauty

Of what I'm unworthy of

For the completion of perfection You are fingering

I am lingering

But I suppose that life on earth

Since the moment of my birth

Has only served to fuel anticipation

This is just the in between

Until I join in the unseen

Face to face with Your eternal exaltation

I will trust You as I tarry

Something sweeter on the verge

To rush would crush the beauty 

Of what I'm unworthy of

For the completion of perfection You are fingering

I am lingering

As I linger I will sing

As they do before Your throne

Glory, honor, praise forevermore

As I linger I will bring

Healing to the broken ones

So all the world will see You and adore

For the completion of perfection You are fingering

I am loving and lingering

life today

I love Jesus; can't get enough of Him.

His timing is perfect, meticulous, and intentional.

He ordained this time of pain for these empty weeks at home.

Acts is really an amazing book. I usually skip it. Or even dread it. In my mind there are two parts of the New Testament: the Gospels and the letters. So the biggest book of the NT slips through the crack between the two. But last night I read the first 5 chapters and felt like I was reading a Christian thriller. The transformation of Peter and John from cowardly, oblivious fishermen to bold, on-top-of-it ambassadors of Christ is unbelievable. I desperately want more of the Holy Spirit--as much as they had! The way they pieced together the prophecies and their fulfillment to confound the religious leaders with Truth makes me laugh with wonder at the power of God.

Waiting. There's a common theme. Career. Housing. Relationships. Healing. Waiting. But I'm finding the joy in it, the peace of God's presence no matter what else is or isn't happening. And He's sweet. 

most recent favorite song: Reign In Us, by Starfield.

Definitely a random assortment of thoughts today, but what else could I write after Allegra-D, some anti-bacterial antibiotic, 8 Advil and 1/2 a Vicodin?

God is good.

Oh, and I'm also really humbled by the physical pain lately when I think about how small it is compared to what Jesus chose to accept in my place. I deserve pain. I have earned pain. I am fit only for pain. Until He took it instead. It is only by His mercy that my eternity will be painless, tearless, whole; and it is only by His grace that most of my days on earth have been more like heaven than hell. Compared to the flogging and the crucifixion, my little cyst is nothing; it is fleeting, fading away, light and momentary affliction. But the Joy and new Life to come are even sweeter in the contrast.

Ok, I think that's really all. Time for meatloaf.

college

self-centeredness

compromise

stubbornness

vision

calling

rebellion

pride

humility

fall

usable

warfare

surrender

influence

extreme difficulty

end of Katie

Love

equipped

provision

Love You

Love people

grace

legalism

freedom

fulfillment

Joy

uncertainty

Faithfulness

April 30, 2009

The season is changing

But not predictably

Maybe not just the season

Maybe You're changing me

Four years of molding

Sweet, gentle embraces

Of the original clay

Are left only traces

Refining, preparing, enchanting

You captivated my heart

Your love became my lifeblood

Grace has freed Your work of art

Your next technique

Styles my eyes have not yet seen

But just as good and loving

So I must not intervene

Give me eyes of faith for trusting

As you spin me on Your wheel

Though the motion robs my balance

Joy my enemy may not steal

Excessive planning I surrender

Exchange control for Your master plan

Proclaim you Lord of all I'm after

As I am clay in my Father's hand

April 18, 2009

"Where are we going?"

I ask You each day

"Just come enjoy Me"

Is all that You say

Can I really let go

Despite all the world says?

If I just seek Your face

Is that really what's best?

Shouldn't I examine?

I must need to explore

You must need some action

Please let me do more

But You're telling me, "No,

It won't work that way,

Because then you get glory

In the presence of gray.

It has to be Me

From beginning to end

So I get the praise

And knees choose to bend.

So trust Me, I love you,

What more can I give?

My death bought Your life,

Now be free and live!

You've never had answers,

Never figured Me out.

Every moment of Creation

I brought about.

Now leave striving vanquished,

All ponderings cease

Fixate just on thanksgiving,

Author of peace.

Remember My love

Faithfulness in years past.

Remember My victory,

Your enemy's been cast.

Rebuke all his thinking

Anticipate his lies

Alert and victorious

Truth shatters his disguise.

So run with freedom

Leap into today

Open your heart

Invite Me in all the way

Love without limits

Love recklessly

Love all those around you

But first love Me

I bought you, you're paid for

You are well worth the price

Deeply loved, known, most cared for

An offering of sweet, fragrant spice

Not a day will be lost

Waste is never My plan

Your trust is My glory, Kate,

May I please hold your hand?"

March 22, 2009

Spring is here

New life arrives

Warmth fills the earth

Hidden life revives

You touch it all

Every flower bud

Your gentle, gardener fingers

Nourish with love

This is Your element

And what my heart misses

Eden remembered

Perfection reminisces

Colors brilliant and new

Scents of sweet redemption

The breeze of grace

My guilt exemption

Bright blue skies

Your obvious smile

The sun's rays adopt me

You claim me as Your child

Draw me into bliss each day

Captivate my heart

To pursue Your beauty in all things

Enthralled

Your works are just a glimpse of all You are

praise from december

If I had to sing a song for You

One written in my heart

It would be sweet and adoring

To tell how beautiful You are

That You would leave Your throne on High

To mingle with my disdain

So I could wear Your righteousness

Instead of my bitter shame

That You would gladly cover me

As an eagle with its young

And spread Your robe around me

When the redemptive act was done

That You would watch me softly

With Your loving, holy gaze

And caress my cheek with longing

To hold me all my days

That You would waken me each morning

Delighted by each breath I breathe

Drawing splendor from my asking

That You be my everything

That You would meet me on the floor

Where I fall upon my face

To welcome me in Your presence

Where I have found the throne of grace

That You would die to provide a surplus

Of mercies daily new

And raise them with the sun

So I can be with You

For all these and more my gratitude

No language can contain

Nor could all of them combined

Muster the glory due Your Name

So I'll sing with all my passion

And I'll love with all my heart

I'll dance through every day

Until this world I may depart

And it still won't be enough

If I shout until I die

But Your love can't go unnoticed

Like sneezes always close the eye

So here is my small offering

Everything I am and own

Holding nothing back I follow

Where only You have known

warfare

my enemy is quick

he is incredibly sly

before i can tell

he replaces Truth with a lie

but my Savior is strong

and He's already won

so victory is mine

before the battle's begun

Lord, be my Shield,

my Rock, my dwelling place

be my center, be my focus

keep my gaze upon Your face

job 8:21

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

Give Him honor, glory, praise!

But the words do not exist

Neither do sufficient days

For His works no man can ponder

And His ways no heart discern

Such goodness cannot be fathomed

And majesty no soul can learn

Glimpses only can we catch

As our eyes and hearts unfold

But the True and Just and Famous One

We are too frail to now behold

Could I but tell You how I feel

But yet my heart is bound to burst

That before my sinful days began

You came to my rescue first

And now You use me in Your plan?!

I could hardly think it true

If not for evidence abounding

That the One at work is You

So please give me better words

Give me something new to say

Until the sight of You perfects vocabulary

Jesus, I so long for that day!

gratitude

thank You for freedom

thank You for grace

thank You for glimpses

of Your glorious face

You made a way

when there was none

Your fullness came down

we beheld Your Son

He followed You true

up to the hill

and His former tomb

is empty still

all my bondage

every regret

the stain of all sin

known and secret

it's all washed away

by the blood that He poured

no spilling took place

intentionality restored

thank You for life

for beauty yet unseen

thank You for snow

though not as white as i am clean

thank You for sky

unparalleled majesty

thank You for hearing

You cannot forget me

thank You for giggles

and for laughing aloud

for strength in weakness

and humbling the proud

Your mercies astound

Your grace is infinite

Your life is my robe

You wrap me up in it

know me, my Lord

and be known by me

nothing more thrilling

You are intimacy

thank You for power

all Your sovereignty

thank You for wanting

but never needing me

thank You for words

though infinitely too few

thank You that eternity

is forever, always, only about You

be Thou my vision

right after experiencing Dialog in the Dark I sang Be Thou My Vision at a Crusade conference. i think this counts as poetry, but this is what came out of it:

Be Thou my vision

Takes on new meaning

When life is black

When light is painstakingly absent

What I see shapes who I am

My heart is formed by what passes before my eyes

Without light, my identity fades

I am unsure

I am slow

I am lost

I am ineffective

I am intimidated by touch, and yet desperate for it

This is not my inheritance

This is not what Christ died to give me

When You are my vision, my identity gleams

I am confident

I am quick and eager

I am found, strategically positioned

I am salt, yeast, contagious

I anticipate, find joy in personal encounters

Physical light is a necessity

Eyesight is a gift

But neither dissolves the constraint of darkness

Not truly

They allow me, equip me to pretend

But only Your light exposes Truth

You alone bring life and purpose

So give me Light

A heart that sees

Give me something worth looking at

Someone worthy of transforming me

Be Thou my vision