Five Minute Friday: Open

Five Minute Friday over at The Gypsy Mama:


GO.

Open.

Open heart.

Open year.

Open hands.

Open ears.

Open spaces.

Open wounds.

Open heart-ache.

Open tomb.

Open floodgates.

Open life.

Open glory.

Open flight.

Openness stirs so many movements in my heart today.

I think of my new, dear friend and so many of us struggling with what comes out of our open hearts as we figure out this thing called deployment.

I think of the year 2012 stretching out before us and all that the closing year has brought. What will You do, Lord, with the year that is now beginning? Do you laugh as we mark so momentously a year that seems as seconds to You?

As I write I'm looking at empty sippy cups left out for drying. When I am open, He fills me up. It may require cleaning out first, but He is faithful.

Overflow my open life, sweet Jesus, with all You are, all You have, all You desire. I could not be emptier on my own. 

STOP.

no good thing

Well, here we are again. You're reading. I'm wrestling. 

And hopefully by the time we finish the Lord will have drastically moved my heart.

I am in desperate need of a heart-shift. Strike that. A heart transplant.

Lord, give me Your heart?

Deployment never ceases to clarify the tension in which we, as pursuers of Christ, are called to live. My current struggle is truly just a variation of some other struggle that I'm sure I've written about before. Ultimately I know what the remedy will be: the Gospel. But first the Lord is calling my heart out of the shadows of obscurity, into a place where diagnosis takes place, into the Light.

The last few days, perhaps for the last week, I have rushed through almost everything. Christmas vacation days could not come fast enough. Then the road trip to Orlando for Christmas could not pass quickly enough. Then emails, phone calls, and video chats with Stephen could not come often enough. The miles home could not be short enough. And now the week drags on as well, despite the fact that it was actually shortened by the holiday. 

Unsettled. Discontent. Absent.

There were a few redeeming moments. I do tend to enjoy the evenings more than the afternoons and always more than the mornings. And time with my family was certainly blessed and refreshing. But overall I have been over-eager to cross days off my big calendar on the wall.

The first twinge of conviction came with the first chapter of Priscilla Shirer's "The Resolution for Women," a sweet Christmas gift from my in-laws. The first resolution is "Surprisingly Satisfied," so it's no wonder that I quickly found piercing lines like this:

"I recognized that by rushing through life, I'd been subtly devaluing those around me and the experiences I was involved in, not appreciating the importance and significance they bring to my life at this very moment, not grasping my responsibility for holding dear and treating well these gifts God has entrusted to me."

or like this:

"Then before you know it, you've missed out on the joys in the journey, the growth that comes from battling through the difficulties, the sweet and savory experience of creating the memories."

and questions like these:

"What have you been hurrying through? What have you been hurrying to get to?"

With these thoughts resonating in my mind through the Christmas weekend, I settled into the 7-hour drive home on Monday with a new book from my best friend, Tashi. It is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The theme of the book? Gratitude. 

Ok, Lord. You want to teach me about contentment, grace, gratitude, joy. Please do! I'm miserable here.

My mind begins to process all the reasons why I should be actively grateful, constant in thanksgiving, cognizant of grace, etc.

But my heart is still so far behind.

Today is more of the same. I think part of the issue is the collision between expectations and reality. At certain times in my life I have lived with such a high view of eternity with Christ that anything here that happened to go well was nice, but not valued as the norm. Comparatively, everything on earth is infinitely unsatisfying. 

Either way, after a longer day of work than I had anticipated, I came home to eat a frozen dinner (if you know me well this is probably the most shocking statement of this entire post). I realized that I had not yet hung up this week's deployment countdown card. The one I took down yesterday is in the shape of a pocket. On the back it reads: "Keep me in your pocket and memorize me! 'The Lord is good, a refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him.' Nahum 1:7" I did, in fact, keep it in my pocket today. Thank you, sweet friend, who thought of this.

The card I moved to the current week space is for Week 38, Psalm 84:11. 

"For the Lord God is a sun and shield;

the Lord bestows favor and honor.

No good thing does he withhold

from those who walk uprightly."

I've been living life, viewing life, valuing life, as though I am missing out on something that I deserve to have. The Lord did call me to marriage. This much I know for certain. But He also called my husband to the Army long before our marriage was in the picture. This being true, I am called to the Army as well. 

Do I really believe that the Lord is not withholding any good thing from me right now? 

Do I really grasp deep down, at the gut level, where all my emotions spring from, that God has allowed our separation because it is good?

Do I view it as a terrible thing that the Lord will redeem?

Or do I see it as a beautiful, if heart-wrenching, gift that He has offered to me?

Do I agree with His word that there is nothing good that He has not already given me?

It certainly depends on how I define the word "good." For that I turn to Romans 8:28-29: "For we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose...to be conformed to the image of His Son."

What is truly good is my conformity to the likeness of Jesus. If wrestling through Stephen's deployment is the best tool for that masterpiece that the Lord has at this point in my life, He would actually be unloving if He did not use it now. What is truly good is for me to have Jesus. So if realizing and rejoicing in my desperation for Christ is the aim of this deployment, it is the sweetest gift and highest good the Lord could give.

I realize this could sound maniacal or despotic, but verse 32 of Romans 8 brings it all into proper perspective: "He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"

God has not given me His most treasured Son only to deny me of lesser good now. 

Such truth is unbearably difficult to feel at times, but how I long to be in that place!

Can I see it as a gift? Not only deployment, but every other part of life that seems on the surface to be a frustration, a waste, a heartache, a hurdle, an obstacle, a loss?

Can I please have Gospel-eyes to recognize that I lack no. good. thing?

Oh! How I do not want to waste this year! Whether it meets my expectations for productivity or not, I want to savor every good thing the Lord brings in and through it.

My entire being wrestles with this tension. I miss Stephen. Separation is a gift. It is good for me to have a husband. It is best for me to be away from him for a time. 

Lord, let this only whet my appetite for Your return. Let my heart live constantly in the tension between fruitful labor on earth and the deepest desire to be with You.

I may not be in the Garden

But the lie is still the same

That happiness awaits me

Just beyond what You have named

Crafty serpent, sinful heart

Such a deadly combination

Kill, steal and destroy my joy

Restless gripe of aggravation 

Pull me upward now to You

As Jesus' tree of death allows

Serves as reminder of Your heart

You gave all then, You give good now

Give me a heart to live

Out of knowing this is true

So that my heart becomes a blessing

To those around me, first to You

Five Minute Friday: Connected

When I realized that today was Friday, Five Minute Friday, I got so excited! So, straight from The Gypsy Mama, herself: Connected.


Ready? Go!


Connected.

For now, nothing entirely deep comes to mind. Only gratitude.

Gratitude for the internet. Gratitude for video-enabled laptop computers. Gratitude for iPhones and airplanes that carry mail across oceans.

My husband is deployed, but because the Lord has graciously allowed us to experience deployment in this technologically saturated era, I get to see his face nearly every day. I can upload videos of his family and friends sending him greetings on a little device that fits in my pocket. I can spend $13 on a package full of Christmas goodies that will (Lord-willing) reach him any day now.

Though a common love for the Lord and subsequently for each other binds us deeper than any wealth of communication ever could, I am so grateful for the added measure of grace that we have these days. 

And when Stephen and I are not connecting well, and even when we are, I am grateful for a Savior who came to earth, lived what we live, and died an unjust death, so that we might be connected to Him forever.

this day last year...

...Stephen Kump asked me to marry him, and what a sweet year it has been!

If you missed that part of our lives or, more likely, had no idea I blogged at the time, I would love for you to check out my original post about our relationship and Stephen's proposal: i get to marry Stephen Kump? you're kidding.

Grateful for the ways in which the Lord has loved us and grown us over the last year, and I pray that this day next year will come even faster and bearing greater evidence of the Lord's work and glory in our lives.

And another huge "Thank you!" to Mr. Andy Jones for capturing the moment. He's a stud.

Five Minute Friday: Color

In the last several weeks I have mused over a blogging phenomenon called Five Minute Friday that trends on Twitter. Originating at The Gypsy Mama blog, at least one hundred writers spend five minutes on the topic of the day "Let's just write without worrying if it's just right or not." No editing, backtracking or over-thinking.


So, for five minutes I, along with many other bloggers, have reflected on Color today. Check out The Gypsy Mama and join in!

Color.

This morning on my way down to the parking deck, the sky was ablaze. Beautiful pinks, oranges, gold, blue, all set behind the trees whose color was waiting to be illuminated. Glorious.

Naturally the impression it made on an artist's heart lingers still. And the poignancy comes in the fresh truth that hope is alive, mercies are new, and the Lord is faithful.

Just when I feel as though I am heading into another gray day, the Lord paints the sky for those who are early to rise. And that's the beauty of the sun, or any light really. Nothing illuminated today has any color of its own apart from the light. The clouds were just clouds until the sun rose.

In the same way, my heart is just a heart until the Light of heaven dawns and fills it with richness, love and joy. My life is just another life until the brightness of the Son brings warmth and passion.

"A thrill of hope,

The weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!"

writing things out

Rest, You say,

But it's so hard

Too tired to rest for real

I'm up and I'm down

Always "on" never off

Can You tell me which wounds need to heal?

They all feel raw

Open for trouncing 

Stretched thin to the point that they fray

Realize it or not

My heart has to cope

With this grief every minute each day

Get behind every thought

Get behind every tear

To what's really happening inside

It's all just a blur

All pent up within

I could not make sense if I tried

Nobody knows

Though some come close

But no one knows just how I feel

It's not their marriage

It's not their life

Not their separation to deal

And now You whisper

I knew You would

You do when I offer my all

It is Your marriage

Mine is Your life

This is us obeying Your call

I don't like it

I said it

I don't like it one bit

And You know

And it's fine

And you handle my fit

It's my heart

Not fake smiles

That You always pursue

I bring ugly

But honest

And give it to You

And Your voice is so tender

It melts my poor heart

As I've laid all I have at Your feet

You take ugly and honest

And cover with grace

And still Your abundance is wholly replete

You don't work with "ok"

No tools for "I'm fine"

So useless is "I'm good, and you?"

I must see my need

Not just see but admit

So that You can give mercies all new

I'm deficient alone

No clue what to do

I'm really just no good at this

For whatever reason

I trust that You have

There's something You won't let us miss

So we're here

And I'm grateful

You know that's no lie

It's so hard

But still good

Despite buckets I cry

But the point
You keep saying

Is how good I am not

And how

By sharp contrast

You've vanquished my rot

That I'm clueless

And hopeless

When considered alone

But You're holy

Victorious

King on the throne

King in my heart

King of this day

Not King far away and aloof

And what better time

To remember Your love

You came down as a babe to give proof

Free to be me

Because You give You

No longer defined by my plight

The deeper my weakness

The more room for You

To display the great power of Your might

Well, here You go!

Display away!

Weaker I may never have been

Still my heart is Your canvas

I trust Your scarred hands

For Your glory my all. With love, Katie Lynn

"Return, O my soul, to your rest;

for the Lord has dealt bountifully with You."

Psalm 116:7

the creative process

One of my favorite blogs to follow is Take Your Vitamin Z, generally a collection of other good posts to read, funny videos, and book reviews.

Today he posted a video about the creative process. Encouraging and challenging.



Ira Glass on Storytelling from David Shiyang Liu on Vimeo.

a brief commentary on Twilight

This is at least my third attempt at writing about my bewilderment over the Twilight phenomenon. But really the issue is simple.

The story line of the Twilight Saga is fully opposite the Gospel in every aspect.

Edward is a deceptively beautiful, blood-thirsty vampire who is inexplicably in love with someone good. Jesus is the truly beautiful, Son of God and Creator  who is gloriously loving toward everyone who is bad.

Despite Edward's love for Bella and self-denial, his deepest desire is to drink her blood. Although God is ultimately concerned only for His own glory, that pursuit has brought about salvation for all who believe.

While we would like to see ourselves in the role of Bella, the good girl who attracts and straightens out the bad boy, the Gospel says that we are not at all good. Jesus, in all His goodness, has loved us out of darkness and into light.

Add to all of this the lack of ambition for life, and you have three central characters who are living for nothing more than the Greco-Roman myth of romantic love. They are consumed by their feelings and desire only personal gratification through the realization of a complicated, romantic relationship. No noble pursuits add depth of character. Rather, two men who are living to claim and enjoy the affection of one woman have been glorified by the masses known as members of "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob."

So, there's my post on Twilight. Read it. Watch it. Enjoy it if you enjoy it. It merely fascinates me that a phenomenon with these undertones has so strongly gripped the popular culture. Anything so appealing to the masses deserves a critical eye. Have I given it the most scrupulous? Not quite. But it is what it is.