Thursday, May 27, 2010

rejection stings no matter who is involved

Tonight a 4-year-old helped me realize several aspects of my spiritual life that need re-creation.

I love Riley. He is funny, sweet and smart. He can be a great helper and big brother. We enjoy reading together and singing together and chasing each other around the kitchen counter. I look forward to seeing him several times each week, and like all my little guys, he holds a special and meaningful place in my heart.

Riley really seems to love me. He tells his parents as much almost daily. He thinks I am at the door every time the doorbell rings. And he asks for me at nap time and bed time and all the time in between.

But he gave himself away a few weeks ago when I saw him at church. His first question was, "Katie, can we play Wii when you come to my house?" I realized for possibly the first time that what he really loves is Wii. He adores all things Mario and Luigi. And when I come over he gets to play. Therefore, he loves me.

Is this the way I relate to You, Lord? Do I beg for Your presence only because of the goodies that
accompany You?

Spending so much time with preschoolers is a truly telling experience and offers incredible insight on human nature. At the very root of it? Self. I am coming to believe that all discipline is a breaking of the innate assumption that one's self is center. On the one hand it makes sense. Children know very little relative to the rest of the world. And everything must be filtered through some frame of reference, the most basic being relation to self. But as they grow older and learn more about others and their needs, feelings and wants, they do not naturally shift the focal point of their existence to others. For this reason they actually forfeit greater enjoyment and fulfillment on a regular basis because they are not able to see beyond themselves for even brief amounts of time.

Riley's world revolves around Riley. Period. To be quite honest, Katie's world revolves around Katie. That's probably why his sin rubs me the wrong way so easily. He is a mirror for me in which I see the absurdity and devastation of my heart apart from Christ.

Tonight Riley wanted to play Wii. Then Riley wanted to play pool. Then Riley wanted to play in the jumpy house. Then Riley wanted to paint. Then Riley wanted a snack. Then Riley wanted to watch Dora. Then Riley wanted to watch Curious George.

And when Riley did not get his way, Riley pitched a fit. A dramatic, tearful, frantic fit.

Now, my feelings were not legitimately hurt, but there was at least one point when I wanted to cry. I had offered him so many fun options, but he kept pushing for the few things that were off limits. It had been a long day for me, but I genuinely wanted him to have an exciting time. He was very difficult.

I found myself thinking, "I did not have to come keep him. I never have to let him play Wii, much less play with him. For as much as he talks about loving me, it is clear when I am actually around that my presence is just a means to an end for him. And the end is always whatever he wants. He does not care that I am tired. He could never comprehend what my life is like. All he knows is that he often gets his favorite things when I am around. That is the only reason he loves me at all."

Lord, is that how I treat you? Do I invite You into my day only to pitch a massive fit when things do not
go my way? Or do I hound you with questions as though I have the right to interrogate your motives and
decisions? Do I ever consider how You must feel?

What's more is that taking care of Riley is part of my job. Yes, tonight was difficult. But I was compensated. Generously.

But I am utterly astounded by the fact that Jesus paid for the opportunity to be present in my life. He gave His life so that He could have a relationship with me, a twenty-two-year-old with a temper and a list of requests.

How often do I treat You the way that Riley treats me? How often am I worse to You than that?

And I am humbled. Again. And all I truly want is to know my Heavenly Father. Never mind the blessings He may bring, I want the wealth of His nearness. And when that wealth does not include any extras, I want the power to refrain from throwing a temper tantrum, from treating Him like my servant, from seeing only myself. Though it is much easier said than done, I do not want to reject my Jesus in any way. If I felt the sting of Riley's rejection, I pray I never cause such pain for anyone else, especially for the One who gave His life to bear the rejection I deserve.

Lord, be my treasure
Lord, be my love
Not what You give me
None other above

Be sweeter, be dearer
Than all else combined
Let my greatest joy
Be in calling You mine

Your favor, Your power
Your strength to endure
Are fine but Your Presence
Alone may my heart allure

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

soundtrack of my day

Wake up call: "it's a new day, oh it's a new time, and there's a new way I'm gonna live my life, because all the old has passed away and the new has come, thank God, it's a brand new day"

"what heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled and strivings cease"

"You are everything that I live for..."

"this is a song of surrender, for whom have I but You, and You are, You are better, forever so much better than the world, You are my Portion, my Reward, my never-ending, overflowing Lord, my Portion, Lord"

"the Lord has promised good to me, His Word my hope secures"

"overwhelmed and uninspired by this communication breakdown"

"You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe, You step inside my heart and I am amazed"

"You are the source of life, I can't be left behind...this world has nothing for me, I will follow You...capture me with grace"

"My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's inbetween"

"Lord, I really need to hear You speak, so remind me in the waiting that You are working all things out for the good of those who are called by You, for the good of those who are in love with You, that's why we sing"

"all You are is all I want always, draw me close in Your arms, o God, I want to be with You"

And I think I'll go to sleep to: "I want You, Lord, I want You more than what You give, I just want who You are, and I'm not asking for any answers, just Your face, I just want who You are, glory in the adoration of my heart, cause I want You more"

Thank You, Lord, for the gift of song.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

restless.

writing Truth to myself today:

My heart feels numb
No joy. No pain.
My mind is dumb
No loss. No gain.
Just frantic, restless, shaken up
Unsatisfied, an empty cup
Would running help? Or sitting still?
Can the Gospel truly my soul fulfill?
Forgetful heart remind once more
The price you cost your precious Lord
The sinful solidarity
Character of your infancy
From the womb your centeredness
Was fixed on self, not righteousness
Every deed and motive bared
Curse and rebellion wholly paired
But while you died in vile estate
His heart proposed redemptive fate
And giving One so sweet and dear
He wrought His heart to bring you near
Nothing finer, none more fair
Than sacrificial, holy Heir
Lived perfection flawlessly
But died without one mercy plea
He took your cross upon His back
And suffered heaven's deadly wrath
All the while you cluelessly
Loving rebellious futility
But holiness death cannot bind
And Jesus' bones not one can find
For He has risen triumphantly
To reign on high eternally
Resurrection His identity proved
That hearts of stone like yours be moved
From lifeless apathy to praise
From fear to joy for ceaseless days
From death to new creation's song
From mute to singing all life long
Remember, heart, still day by day
He is the Life, the Truth, the Way
In Him your shameful sorrows end
In Him refuge and hope begin
In Him each breath, each circumstance
In Him each tear, each laugh, each dance
In Christ your freedom and your strength
In Love unfathomed height and length
In Him your true reality
In Him alone identity
Forget not though to wander prone
And live decidedly toward the throne
Upon which sits your Great Reward
Jesus, the Everlasting Lord
Live for naught but His embrace
Die to love Him face to face

Friday, May 14, 2010

soundtrack of my life

Music is still such a huge part of my life, even though Waumba Land is my only semi-regular outlet for it. I love to look back at the songs that have shaped my thoughts and prayers through the last year.

"Song of the Beautiful" by Christy Nockels

"The one who is waiting
Rising and singing,
'You, Jesus, You are my all.'"


"You Are Able" by Christy Nockels

"You are able
Higher is our God
Than anything that comes our way
Come what may
You alone forever stay
You're able
You are able."


"In Your Hands" by Christy Nockels

"Here's my life
I give it to You
I place it in Your hands...
For so long I have held onto all that I am
(And You gave me all that You have and now I want to give it back)
When all you want is for me to place it in Your hands
(I trust You, I trust You, I trust You, Lord)."



"There's a grace that I've been shown
Now I've got to pass it on..."


"You'll Come" by Hillsong

"I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon You, Lord."


"My Deliverer" by Mandisa

"My Deliverer, You rescued me from all that held me captive
My Deliverer, You set me free
Now I'm alive and I can live
And every moment I will give you praise"


"In Christ Alone" by Travis Cottrell

"And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."


"Desert Song" by Hillsong

"All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"


"One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks

"It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen
And we find the reasons why one step at a time"


"The Lost Get Found" by Britt Nicole

"So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it"


And the yearlong #1 played, "Reign In Us" by Starfield, still on every playlist.

"You thought of us before the world began to breathe
And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus:]
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline

We're lost unless you guide us with your light

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch


[Chorus]

We cry out
For your love to refine us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us blameless until you return


You would reign in us

So reign, please reign in us
Come purify our hearts we need your touch
Come cleanse us like a flood and send us out
So the world may know you reign, you reign in us"

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

my mom is ridiculous


Mother's Day weekend was this past weekend, and I failed horribly at planning ahead when it came to honoring my mom. In fact, I never truly got around to planning at all. I came home for nearly three whole days and let the pleasure of my presence be her gift. I never even got a card...fail.

About the only thing I did give her was the opportunity to actually be a mother: I came home sick. So on a weekend that should have been spent pampering her, I was fully on the receiving end when it comes to being blessed.

She cooked three delicious, healthy meals.

She had stocked up on my favorite cereal.

She let me break in her new Neti Pot.

She went to the store for juice and candles.

She helped me candle my ears.

She took a cold shower on Mother's Day morning because I had hogged all the hot water.

She stayed home from her church commitment to lay out with me even though I dozed a time or two.

She never got a total break from doing dishes the entire weekend.

She went on a 4 mile walk with me on Monday afternoon and arranged her to do list and eating schedule to match mine.

She vacuumed and washed my car.

She refused to let me help with my car and told me to work on whatever else I needed to do.

She helped fold my clothes.

She opened the refrigerator and pantry and said, "Please! Take whatever you will eat!" as I was packing to leave.

She took down her decorative crosses from the walls of her home so that I could hang them in my hodgepodge room.

And she would have filled up my gas tank if she could read the digital indicators in my car to know that I needed it.

Seriously?

No one on earth loves me so well.

She sees and receives the brunt of my sin, but you would never know it by the way she treats me and values me.

Love like that flows from one Heart alone. Only my Heavenly Father has loved me more extravagantly, more completely, more unconditionally, more ridiculously.

I truly cannot express in words the picture of the Gospel that I see in her. Even if I did not know the details of the redemptive work God has performed in her, I would know she has been changed by His love because of the way she loves and serves others.

I pray I am more like her toward everyone around me. My roommates. My families. My friends. My church. My neighbors.

And I pray that one day I may love my own family as well as she loves hers. I pray her legacy is one that I pass to my daughters and granddaughters. Not because Sally Lawrence is necessarily a name to remember, but because the name of Jesus is the one proclaimed by her life. His love is her legacy. And that is all I want for my own.

I love you, Mommy.








***Daddy, you know I love you too and think you're wonderful...it just isn't Father's Day...yet :)***

Anna Montana



when i think of Anna i think of love
passion, emotion, depth
compassion, empathy
vibrance
strength and confidence
recklessness
we will abandon it all for the sake of the call
wholehearted
wholly devoted to live and to die
uninhibited
refreshing simplicity
for as long as i shall live i will testify to love

when i think of Anna i think of song
lively, pensive, sweet
melodious life
i can't think of anything i'd rather do than live my life for you
filling rooms, filling showers,
filling hallways, filling hearts
this is my story, this is my song

when i think of Anna i think of beauty
heart after that of our Artist
an eye for redemption, restoration, recreation
and all the majesty in this world cannot compare
to the glory
wonder in detail and liberation
like sunlight burning at midnight
making my life
something so beautiful, beautiful