Five Minute Friday: Dance

Most Fridays in a month I head over to Lisa-Jo Baker's blog to join in the Five Minute Friday fun. And though today's participation got extended to the wee hours of Saturday morning (and broke a few rules in so doing), I'm so glad I jumped in. So, for five (and twenty) minutes...Dance.

GO!

Some days FMF is exactly where I am supposed to be.

Today is one of them.

Just a handful of hours ago I found myself dancing with my favorite 2-year-old to the Kidz Only Music Choice channel on Comcast. It's one of our favorite past times and I will gladly take a majority of the credit for her love for dance. She's been watching me goof off and love life through dance for nearly two years. And who can resist, now that she's talking up a storm, when she says, "Tadie, I wanna dance wiz YOU!!" Everything stops, all of life, whatever it is we were doing before, and we dance. We run in circles, we do ballet, we wobble our knees and we just don't stop. We dance until we're sweaty and thirsty and drag ourselves to the kitchen for a drink.

Glorious. Truly.

I cannot fathom how it's fair that I get paid to spend my days this way, but I do praise Jesus for it.

Today though my thoughts were drifting into tomorrow's dance party, the wedding reception of a dear friend from high school. I so look forward to cutting loose with my mom, old church friends, and maybe if I'm lucky my dear-old-dad too. 

But I have to admit that, unlike any other reception anticipation, I'm feeling just the tiniest bit anxious.

Ok, that's a lie.

I'm way more anxious than I want to even admit to myself.

STOP.

But clearly I cannot stop here. So if you wanted only a Five Minute read, feel free to abort now as I am unsure where this ship will land. My feelings won't be hurt.

But whether alone or with company, I need to dig this out.

It's not my dance moves I'm worried about. They flow naturally, and often uncontrollably, and tend to leave people smiling, a win whether it's laughter or awe-inspired.

It's not that Stephen won't be here, per say. I danced the night away at a wedding last Saturday without him. In fact, this will be the 6th wedding I've flown solo since he deployed last year.

It's not the forecast of outrageous heat. A stifling high of 106 is reportedly up and coming for us tomorrow.

Nope. It's not any of these things. It all boils down to one word, one tiny word, one high school word I wish I knew nothing of.

The beautiful, Christ-loving, glory-giving bride-to-be was popular.

There, I said it. And believe me it looks even shallower now than it sounded in my head all afternoon.

But she was...and is, I suppose, in that crowd of cheerleaders, football players, well-dressed, super-"cool" kids who called me Smart Girl if they needed to call me anything at all.

{Now, as a disclaimer, they were not all this way. Some were delightful altogether and precious friends to me.)

Still, what was a fun and lighthearted dance party with my friend, JuBe, suddenly felt the weight of worldly insufficiency come crashing in in an instant. Not crippling, but still anxious. Not debilitating, but still present.

Ugh, insecurity! I should be over you by now.

But the facts I want to flaunt defensively against the onslaught of imagined inferiority have nothing to do with the issue, not at the root. Nothing I have accomplished solves the problem. Nothing I can show alleviates the shyness. Nothing that has changed in the last seven years gives me any sure footing on which to stand when Satan tempts me to despair. 

The issue is still comparison. And the answer is still that I am found in Christ.

Nothing else truly matters. Period. Paragraph.

I was then. I am now. Freedom.

Underneath my lingering people-pleasing, fear-of-man, self-loathing, underneath it all is truth. That everything about Katie died with Jesus, and I am raised in His new life, living His identity. At war with sin, oh yes! Sin is outraged by the turnover and fights against it constantly. But the truth remains.

I am found in Him

Complete in Him.

Validated in Him

Accepted in Him. 

Lacking nothing in Him.

Free in Him.

Full in Him.

Alive in Him.

Hopeful in Him. 

Loved in Him.

The joy of Truth is liberating and captivating all at once. My heart enthralled by the outrage of His love. My heart set free to live so fully.

The joy fuels the dancing. And all I want to do is dance this life in Jesus.

Five Minute Friday: Expectation

On Fridays (well, some of them for me) we write for five minutes without worrying whether or not it's right. Today's prompt: Expectation.

ReadySetGO!

Summer warms the air at last

Praying days rush quickly past

Hope is just within my grasp

Fill me up inside

Not just to cross them through in red

But to feast on manna, bread

All my founts, in You I'm fed

Fill me up inside

Love each day sans reservation

All is grace and transformation

Jesus be my expectation

Fill me up inside

On to life in what is True

Abundantly when view is You

No earthly fare will ever do

So fill me up inside

Whole and wholly Yours alone

STOP.

Yes, please Jesus.

Five Minute **Sunday**: Perspective

In the busyness of Friday's birthday celebration I found just enough time to glance at the prompt, but lacked enthusiasm or inspiration for writing it out. Today that changed, so here I am. Not sure I can do it justice in only 5 minutes, but here goes.

For whatever reason, several of my friends have recently experienced their first significant separation from their spouses. Ok, if I am going to write in brutal honesty, I'll call it "significant" separation. Because let's face it: a week just isn't a very long period of time. 

But somehow or other these girlfriends end up telling me about it, sometimes dramatically, but never intentionally insensitive. Either way, some days I've just had it.

Want to know what I walk away thinking? 

No, really. Are you sure you want to know?

Because your opinion of me may change in the next few lines.

But here it is.

"Shut the heck up. Why the h*** would you complain about that to me?? Did you miss the memo that I've seen my husband for a total of 10 days over the last 8 MONTHS??? Do you realize I don't even TALK to him every day?? There's no texting and no phone calls, let alone date nights or meals together. FOR A WHOLE FREAKING YEAR!!! So take a second to think about how much harder life could be for you than a week away from your husband before you have the nerve to complain about your situation to an Army wife!!!!!!!"

Yep. There it is. Told you. Pretty nasty. Shameful even. But that is where I've been.

So as I fumed my way across town this evening at the remembrance of these conversations, I asked Jesus why these people couldn't step outside of their circumstances and look at things from my perspective for just a minute. (Because clearly, my head is screwed on straight.)

But He stopped and asked me to do the same thing.

Kate, how often do you step outside yourself to do what you ask of others?

Mini eye roll. Not often enough probably...

Is it an easy exercise for you?

Well, it doesn't come naturally, if that's what you mean.

Then can you give a little grace to others the way I give to you?

Yes. Help me?

Because, you see, life could be so much harder for me. I would say I am on a peak in the mountain-valley terrain of this deployment lately. But even when it downright sucks, things could always be harder. And I'm sure some day they will be. 

For starters, Stephen is deployed. He is not dead.

Our immediate families are in good health.

We have access to email daily and video chatting several times a week.

Our Father has been gracious to reveal parts of His work to us in this season.

We are both employed.

We have the best families, amazing friends, and a tremendous church family to support us.

The list goes on and on.

And really, I am sure that a week-long separation from Stephen will feel miserable at some point. We are all in different places, with different situations, and life is hard for everyone. I cannot think of anyone who has it made perfectly, whose story I would rather have. And I want to have grace for the people around me because only Jesus knows just how much grace has been lavished on me. 

Who am I to withhold it from others? 

And if you happen to read this and think I may be talking about you, please know all is right between us and the fault-bearing is all mine. I apologize for my lack of compassion and welcome your honesty about your life. I need to see the grit and grime of these dark places in my heart, let the Light shine in and clean them out. Thank you for bearing with me in this refinement process.

It is difficult at times, some more so than others. But I'm striving, asking, sinking deeper into the Gospel, I pray, to be a fountain of refreshing grace to the people around me.

Thank you, Father. Give me Your perspective minute by minute by year.

Five Minute Friday: Real.

Aaaaaand we're back! It's been a while (vacation with Stephen threw me off in the best possible way), but I'm back for Five Minutes today. And the word is: REAL.

GO.

Living in what is real is a challenge, one I find myself faced with almost constantly these days.

But it seems that what I am finding is that what is real is simply what really matters. 

Certainly many things clamor for my attention, trivialities, the minutiae of modern life. Or bigger things, like loneliness, frustration, fear.

These things have ruled my heart and mind for the last few weeks. So many hormones and too much idle time. These real-like things spiral me down so quickly, seeming so legitimate.

I want to feel things that are hard and be vulnerable with the people around me. I want to let the difficulty of single-wifing these 365 days grind against my rough edges and soften my heart toward Stephen and Jesus. 

But I also want to keep my eyes on what is real, really of consequence: that suffering was Jesus' ministry and will be mine as well. That the cross was so much worse than I can imagine for the purpose of restoring me to the Creator's image. Suffering not so I can merely relate to Jesus, but so that I may become like Him in His death and share His victory.

So while part of me feels like I'm merely pulling on my big girl panties to get over my raging femininity, I know that never works. What does, what is real, is the hope of Jesus coming to make all these wrong things right, all these dead things new, all the frenzy peace.

Jesus, give me what is real, all that really matters. You.

STOP.

Five Minute Friday: Trust

I quite literally chuckled when I saw today's writing prompt. Trust.

The last few weeks have been relatively silent here on the blog, and likely in most other ways between me and you, dear reader. I've been wrestling hard with this season: first year of marriage, first year-long deployment. The challenges are overwhelming some days. 

And beyond that there is no one to share it all with. Not all of it. Not fully.

Except Jesus.

In my loneliness, never alone, and learning not only how to trust Him, but how little I do sometimes. Life falls apart all too quickly when my trust is anywhere other than the slain and risen Lamb of God. 

So I'm learning what it means to trust. And all I have today in this process is remembering His scars. Nestling into His wounds. Getting lost in the sacrifice He made for me. Knowing Him. Knowing His heart. Knowing that no matter how deep my wounds may feel, I deserve them to be much deeper. No matter how out of control life seems, the cross shines hope on what makes no sense to flesh.

"All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness..."

Psalm 25:10

Five Minute Friday: Tender

Tender.

Go.

Today I am grateful for Jesus' tenderness toward me, for His intimate acquaintance with grief and suffering, joy and frustration. My heart is frustratingly tender these days, but such a condition compels me to place it continually in the only hands that are scarred but never inflict them. His tender mercies sustain me, from the magnitude of redemption to favorite cereals on sale, and every detail in between. 

But His tender care does not prevent tears or heartache. In fact, those are frequently His tools. Hugs from friends that unavoidably spurt forth unchecked emotion, emails from overseas read in public, lonely nights, and reserved conversations with friends. Everything about this deployment has me isolated to Jesus alone. What other mercy is at times so gut-wrenching and yet so deeply comforting?

Stop.

And now my five minutes are up. I look back at the two tiny paragraphs I have mustered up. Words just are not enough these days, neither in quantity or quality. But thank you, Jesus, for your Spirit who fills in my words with much better ones as You tenderly pray for me at the Throne of grace.

Five Minute Friday: Awake

It's Five Minute Friday! Today's prompt: awake.

GO.

Just a little while ago I woke up from a nap. Praise the Lord for naps! Incredible how useless wakefulness is when rest is left to the wind.

(Fun to watch Ju-Be waking up almost daily--courtesy to her for the pic!)

I truly believe that one of the hardest lessons the Lord is trying to teach me in this season is to rest. After four whirlwind years of college, followed by nearly two years of life with at least four other friends at a time, resting has been a difficult discipline to master...or even attempt at times. 

Especially now with so much alone time, it is easy to feel that I am resting when I am actually only lonely. Solitude and rest are two very different things, though I would submit that solitude is often an integral part of rest for me.

The point being: if I am going to live a life that is fully awake, I must make room for the Lord to rejuvenate me and provide me with all the energy that wakeful living requires. My heart longs to be awakened to gratitude, to grasping each day for what it is, a gift. Awake to opportunities that require hard decisions and all the blood, sweat and tears my little heart can give.

I want to live in wakefulness, not in bleary-eyed grogginess for these precious days. Lord, teach me to nap, not only physically, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally as well. For the sake of all these other people on the planet that you love so much, let me live a life fully AWAKE!

Wipe the sleepy from my heart

Eyes to love the days' new start

Joy for walking life's great length

Peace for resting in Your strength

STOP.

Or, in the words of my dear friend, Sally: "Awokened!"

Five Minute Friday: Open

Five Minute Friday over at The Gypsy Mama:


GO.

Open.

Open heart.

Open year.

Open hands.

Open ears.

Open spaces.

Open wounds.

Open heart-ache.

Open tomb.

Open floodgates.

Open life.

Open glory.

Open flight.

Openness stirs so many movements in my heart today.

I think of my new, dear friend and so many of us struggling with what comes out of our open hearts as we figure out this thing called deployment.

I think of the year 2012 stretching out before us and all that the closing year has brought. What will You do, Lord, with the year that is now beginning? Do you laugh as we mark so momentously a year that seems as seconds to You?

As I write I'm looking at empty sippy cups left out for drying. When I am open, He fills me up. It may require cleaning out first, but He is faithful.

Overflow my open life, sweet Jesus, with all You are, all You have, all You desire. I could not be emptier on my own. 

STOP.

Five Minute Friday: Connected

When I realized that today was Friday, Five Minute Friday, I got so excited! So, straight from The Gypsy Mama, herself: Connected.


Ready? Go!


Connected.

For now, nothing entirely deep comes to mind. Only gratitude.

Gratitude for the internet. Gratitude for video-enabled laptop computers. Gratitude for iPhones and airplanes that carry mail across oceans.

My husband is deployed, but because the Lord has graciously allowed us to experience deployment in this technologically saturated era, I get to see his face nearly every day. I can upload videos of his family and friends sending him greetings on a little device that fits in my pocket. I can spend $13 on a package full of Christmas goodies that will (Lord-willing) reach him any day now.

Though a common love for the Lord and subsequently for each other binds us deeper than any wealth of communication ever could, I am so grateful for the added measure of grace that we have these days. 

And when Stephen and I are not connecting well, and even when we are, I am grateful for a Savior who came to earth, lived what we live, and died an unjust death, so that we might be connected to Him forever.

Five Minute Friday: Color

In the last several weeks I have mused over a blogging phenomenon called Five Minute Friday that trends on Twitter. Originating at The Gypsy Mama blog, at least one hundred writers spend five minutes on the topic of the day "Let's just write without worrying if it's just right or not." No editing, backtracking or over-thinking.


So, for five minutes I, along with many other bloggers, have reflected on Color today. Check out The Gypsy Mama and join in!

Color.

This morning on my way down to the parking deck, the sky was ablaze. Beautiful pinks, oranges, gold, blue, all set behind the trees whose color was waiting to be illuminated. Glorious.

Naturally the impression it made on an artist's heart lingers still. And the poignancy comes in the fresh truth that hope is alive, mercies are new, and the Lord is faithful.

Just when I feel as though I am heading into another gray day, the Lord paints the sky for those who are early to rise. And that's the beauty of the sun, or any light really. Nothing illuminated today has any color of its own apart from the light. The clouds were just clouds until the sun rose.

In the same way, my heart is just a heart until the Light of heaven dawns and fills it with richness, love and joy. My life is just another life until the brightness of the Son brings warmth and passion.

"A thrill of hope,

The weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!"