ruined

"Man of sorrows," what a name for the Son of God who came, ruined sinners to reclaim...

My getting-ready-for-bed routine was captivated by these lyrics last night. And not even the entire line, but just two words: ruined sinners.

Huh. Sinner, yes. Absolutely. Daily. Moment-by-moment. Each one from birth. Prideful, arrogant, self-"saving," hypocrite. Jealous, haughty, competitive, lazy. Yes, I can easily claim all of these.

But ruined? Is that not just the slightest bit harsh? 

When I look at the list of sins I just made, I nearly chuckle to think those would not add up to "ruined." However, per those same sins, I so easily feel that I still bring so many good things to the table when I come to feast with Jesus. Perhaps the thought never comes quite so bluntly, but wrapped into my motivations and expectations and assumptions about this spiritual life is the subtle yet potent notion that God is lucky to have me on His side. Feelings and attitudes of self-importance and pride are stripped bare by a phrase like "ruined sinners."

Not just "people who messed up but were still pretty much good."

Not "precious sinners."

Not "pitiable sinners."

Not "well-they-tried-their-best sinners" or "they-did-more-good-than-bad sinners."

RUINED sinners. 

Ruined (adjective): botched, broken, defaced, done for, harmed, harried, hurt, impaired, injured, marred, mutilated, pillaged, plundered, robbed, spoiled.

Not painting a picture of a worn down mini-hero hobbling to the table really, is it? Given that this word is describing sinners, wrongdoers and offenders, it follows that nothing about the described is at all appealing or admirable or worthwhile or even functional. More that the back-stabber, liar, cheat has reached utter destruction and been left for dead. That the status of sinner equates to ruin.

Humbling re-realization for a rule-following, people-pleasing, score-keeping, "good" girl.

And, surprisingly enough, here is joy! That I am loved, reclaimed, valued by my Heavenly Father, not because I have done anything at all, and not because He gains anything from me that He did not already have, but because He gets glory in redeeming my ruins. He gets praise in the reconstruction. His universe-altering love is front and center when my neediness and sin and insufficiency are revealed.

By His love he delights in me. Not because I never tasted alcohol before I was 21 years and 3 months old. Not because my lips never kissed before my wedding day. Not because I rarely miss church. Not because I have read the Bible all the way through a handful of times. Not because I floss my teeth religiously.

In fact, my best efforts are so not good, I might as well have thought God needed me because I have never had a cavity.

ALL of it is silly, at best.

ALL of it is vile, in reality.

ALL of it is offensive, in truth.

ANYTHING I thought was gaining me acceptance with Jesus is garbage, a word the Bible uses for both our "good deeds" and a woman's menstrual cloth. Blood soaked and stenching tampons--that is what I proudly bring to the feet of Jesus too often.

Ruined. Ruined. Ruined. Sinner. That is me.

Sinner who has no hope if not to be dressed by grace in Jesus' perfection, His good work, His pure and cleansing blood. Not my unclean discharge of unused organ lining. His poured out life-blood of innocent God Man.

Nothing to offer. Nothing to bring. Only gratitude for His grace, to bless His heart, to know His face, to multiply His love. Blessed to be a blessing.

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

"Man of Sorrows!" what a name

For the Son of God, who came

Ruined sinners to reclaim

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Bearing shame and scoffing rude

In my place condemned He stood

Sealed my pardon with His blood

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Guilty, vile and helpless we,

Spotless Lamb of God was He

"Full atonement!" Can it be?

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Lifted up was He to die;

"It is finished!" was His cry;

Now in Heaven exalted high.

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

When He comes, our glorious King,

All His ransomed home to bring,

Then anew His song we'll sing

Hallelujah! What a Savior!

my second favorite engagement of 2010

About 10 years ago, one faithful 23-year-old wrote her heart into a song for her future husband and shared it with the world. She opened her prayers and love letters to the watching eyes of the media and shared the deep desires of her heart with a generation that would be truly bombarded by the lie that sexual intimacy is one's right and pleasure to be taken as soon as the urge is known.

Already my eyes are brimming with tears of gratitude for the life and legacy of Rebecca St. James. As I have written before, music, more than any other single factor in my formative years, has pushed me into the presence of God and shaped the woman I have become (and am still becoming). From the time I was 8 years old until now, nothing has held more power to point me toward Christ or away from Him than the melodies and lyrics I allow to permeate my mind.

With great confidence I can say that Rebecca's aforementioned song has been the single most influential piece of music or literature to shape my heart other than the very Word of God.

I wish I could remember the first time I heard "Wait For Me" but to this day I know that it is number 8 on the "Transform" album. It is also the only song in my collection that I will absolutely listen to every single time it comes on shuffle. Though the lyrics seem cheesy if I am not in a romantic state of mind (though I typically am), the passion behind the song is just as much my heart-cry at age 23 as it was that first day when I was 13.

In the middle of my most awkward and hormonal years of confusion, I knew a few things. I truly loved Jesus with all of my heart and wanted to please Him above all else. "Wait For Me" also highlighted another very important life fact: I wanted to love well the man God would send to be my husband. I began to claim the meaning of my name as part of God's calling on my life: "pure one." I came to view my body as it is: God's temple. And I experienced immediately the segregation that my radical standards would create.

Surely it will surprise many people who know me now to learn that in middle school I was absolutely obsessed with my first kiss. It is actually quite comical now to remember how imminent I believed that event to be. No opportunity remotely presented itself until my senior year of high school. But my heart was enraptured by the thought and my imagination would not rest. I vividly remember the day I realized that I had exhausted every plausible scenario for how it might happen. In the disappointment of the new boredom that settled in my mind, the Spirit of God spoke to my heart. "Hey Kate, you care about this just a little too much. Can I have it? How about we save your first kiss for your wedding day?" With Rebecca's lyrics ever fresh in my mind, I embraced this commitment wholeheartedly. "Cool!" I thought, "Let's do it!"

One decade later, I am 23. The road has not been easy, and my journey has not been perfect, but the countdown is on. Only 72 days and 5 1/2 hours until my first kiss. But who's counting?

It scares me to think how my heart may have responded if I had been listening to the "music of the day" back in 2000. Not that everyone who listened to *Nsync or Britney has train-wrecked their life. I do not mean that at all. But I know my heart and life would be different. And especially to consider the values that contemporary pop music affords today, hearts like mine are set to fail if living to the tunes of Kesha and Miley.

And so, it is with great humility and joy that I celebrate Rebecca St. James' own engagement and upcoming marriage. Her commitment to purity and her integrity to live it publicly has radically changed my life. Not only has it shaped my focus and activity over the last decade, but she has, perhaps unknowingly, invested riches upon riches in the quality of my marriage to Stephen Kump. He and I owe a huge debt of gratitude to this woman in the Lord for her faithful stewardship of conviction, talent and influence. We have been preserved for each other in her own waiting.

So as she and I enter married life in the same year, I pray her marriage will be infinitely more effective in ministering than her singleness has been. I can only imagine what Rebecca's married life will hold for the Kingdom of God if He has used her so powerfully in what may seem to have been an extended period of singleness. Look out, world! Now she has a partner and should no longer be alone. I celebrate and rejoice with her, give great thanks for her, and look forward to expressing my gratitude for her in person one day.

Mine is only one story. Lord, let there be millions more.

Darling, did you know that I
I dream about you
Waiting for the look in your eyes
When we meet for the first time
And darling, did you know that I
I pray about you
Praying that you will hold on
And keep your loving eyes only for me

CHORUS:
'Cause I am waiting for, praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
'Cause I am waiting for, praying for you darling
Wait for me too
Wait for me as I wait for you
Darling wait

Darling did you know
I dream about life together
Knowing it will be forever
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
And darling when I say
" Til death do us part"
I mean it with all of my heart
Now and always faithful to you

CHORUS

Now I know you may have made mistakes
But there's forgiveness, and a second chance
So wait for me, darling wait for me
Wait for me
Darling wait for me

CHORUS

rain, rain

There is something unspeakably delightful about rainy Sunday afternoons. Particularly rainy Sunday afternoons in the fall.

Cooler weather is coming. Despite the fact that the high is consistently 90 degrees throughout the month of September, we know the chill will begin to creep in.

Rainy days are a preview. The rain is just cool enough to chill your bones as you pass from rain to air conditioning.

So I sit in my corner chair. Criss-cross applesauce. Snowflake pajama pants. Oversized, nerd-prized sweatshirt. Green, moose-covered socks with brakes (as my uncle would call them).

A nap will be nice. I'll get to that, I am quite certain.

But for a minute or two more, I want to sit, listen, find meaning in the rain.

It is pinging off of the roof and echoing down the water heater shaft next to my bed.

Thunder rolls in the distance and gently pulses in my chest.

The leaves flicker with the repetitive impact of rain droplets.

Everything is darker. Deeper. Richer. Saturated.

The leaves are not quite as brightly tinted as they were a few weeks ago. It takes me a solid minute of observation, but I realize that they are beginning to change. Soon their death will be a brilliant display on every corner and in every wooded view.

The rain makes life heavy. Limbs droop with the weight of water.

Change is coming. And a painful change at that.

The warmth of the sun will likely slip away even as this shower ends. The powerful rays absorbed for nutrition will weaken gradually. What is now green and thriving will begin to starve and fade.

And such is life. Not meant for homeostasis. Not meant for status quo. Not meant to stagnate.

Soon, death. And after that, new life. Though death is most certainly necessary first.

My eyelids get heavy. I am lulled to sleep by the plinking of water on the roof over my head.

And I give thanks.

For said roof.

For those with whom I am richly blessed to share it.

For one year and three weeks of life under this roof.

For change.

For the painful, refining moments of the last year and three weeks.

For seasons of dreariness, monotony, frustration.

For the strain of saturation.

For life.

For what the Lord breathes into death.

For a heart awakened to freedom, gratitude, love, boldness and discipline.

For sanctification.

For change.

For all that is to come.

For the glory of today and of tomorrow.

For evidence of my Heavenly Father's faithfulness.

For seasons.

For reminders that He has a purpose.

For His sovereignty and handiwork on display for the world to see.

For seasons of weather and seasons of life.

For grace.

For direction.

For love and for joy.

For rest.

For Every Season.

Every evening sky, an invitation to trace the patterned stars.

And early in July, a celebration for freedom that is ours.

And I notice You in children's games, in those who watch them from the shade.

Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder.

You are Summer.

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time.

Forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside.

Still I notice You as change begins and I am braced for colder winds.

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come.

You are Autumn.

And everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep.

Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath.

And I notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass.

Even now in death You open doors for life to enter.

You are Winter.

When everything that's new has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe.

What was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green.

So it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change.

And so it will be as You are recreating me.

Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring.

soundtrack of my day

Wake up call: "it's a new day, oh it's a new time, and there's a new way I'm gonna live my life, because all the old has passed away and the new has come, thank God, it's a brand new day"

"what heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled and strivings cease"

"You are everything that I live for..."

"this is a song of surrender, for whom have I but You, and You are, You are better, forever so much better than the world, You are my Portion, my Reward, my never-ending, overflowing Lord, my Portion, Lord"

"the Lord has promised good to me, His Word my hope secures"

"overwhelmed and uninspired by this communication breakdown"

"You make me beautiful, You make me stand in awe, You step inside my heart and I am amazed"

"You are the source of life, I can't be left behind...this world has nothing for me, I will follow You...capture me with grace"

"My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's inbetween"

"Lord, I really need to hear You speak, so remind me in the waiting that You are working all things out for the good of those who are called by You, for the good of those who are in love with You, that's why we sing"

"all You are is all I want always, draw me close in Your arms, o God, I want to be with You"

And I think I'll go to sleep to: "I want You, Lord, I want You more than what You give, I just want who You are, and I'm not asking for any answers, just Your face, I just want who You are, glory in the adoration of my heart, cause I want You more"

Thank You, Lord, for the gift of song.

soundtrack of my life

Music is still such a huge part of my life, even though Waumba Land is my only semi-regular outlet for it. I love to look back at the songs that have shaped my thoughts and prayers through the last year.

"Song of the Beautiful" by Christy Nockels

"The one who is waiting

Rising and singing,

'You, Jesus, You are my all.'"

"You Are Able" by Christy Nockels

"You are able

Higher is our God

Than anything that comes our way

Come what may

You alone forever stay

You're able

You are able."

"In Your Hands" by Christy Nockels

"Here's my life

I give it to You

I place it in Your hands...

For so long I have held onto all that I am

(And You gave me all that You have and now I want to give it back)

When all you want is for me to place it in Your hands

(I trust You, I trust You, I trust You, Lord)."

"Before The Sun Goes Down" by PureNRG

"There's a grace that I've been shown

Now I've got to pass it on..."

"You'll Come" by Hillsong

"I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon You, Lord."

"My Deliverer" by Mandisa

"My Deliverer, You rescued me from all that held me captive

My Deliverer, You set me free
Now I'm alive and I can live

And every moment I will give you praise"

"In Christ Alone" by Travis Cottrell

"And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand

All other ground is sinking sand

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

'Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."

"Desert Song" by Hillsong

"All of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"

"One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks

"It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen

And we find the reasons why one step at a time"

"The Lost Get Found" by Britt Nicole

"So when you get the chance

Are you gonna take it?

There's a really big world at your fingertips

And you know you have the chance to change it"

And the yearlong #1 played, "Reign In Us" by Starfield, still on every playlist.

"You thought of us before the world began to breathe

And you knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from you
And how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus:]
Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come
That you would reign, that you would reign in us
We're offering up our lives, a living sacrifice
That you would reign, that you would reign in us

Spirit of the Living God fall fresh again
Come search our hearts and purify our lives
We need your perfect love
We need your discipline
We're lost unless you guide us with your light

Lord Jesus come lead us
We're desperate for your touch

[Chorus]

We cry out
For your love to refine us cry out
For your love to define us cry out
For your mercy to keep us blameless until you return

You would reign in us

So reign, please reign in us
Come purify our hearts we need your touch
Come cleanse us like a flood and send us out

So the world may know you reign, you reign in us"

death threats

My count of verbal death threats doubled about two weeks ago.

The first threat was two and a half years ago on Tech's campus. And although it was slightly less explicit than my more recent experience, it probably changed my life in many ways. The details are not important for the point I will eventually make, but my dear friend, Anna, and I were held up at gunpoint outside our home late one Saturday night. We each were only carrying our cell phones, but we dropped them as we proved to our assailant that we had no money. He threatened to "shoot the h*** out of" us if we did not comply, and we ran inside the house as soon as he realized we were bankrupt.

Traumatizing. Shocking. Life-altering.

Two weeks ago I took one of my boys to the park for a picnic and time to play. When he repeatedly refused/ignored my insistence that it was time to go home, I had to inform him of the consequences of continued disobedience. His response? He turned around, put his hands on his hips, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm going to kill you." Wow. I asked for clarification because I did not really want to believe those were his words, but he readily confirmed my initial perception. Not so life-changing, but heart-breaking nonetheless.

The timing of this most recent event led me to consider Good Friday.

My little guy is typically quite affectionate and kind. Exhaustion is usually the catalyst in his Jekyll and Hyde transformation, and this incident was no exception. He really had no idea what the word "kill" even meant until we talked before time-out at home. But still, after spending the afternoon letting him play, teaching him new things, and delighting in all the ways God made him special, to watch his defiance and hear such bitter words was hurtful. I was sad.

I thought of Good Friday. The grief of our Heavenly Father as our words, "Crucify Him!", pierced His ears and His heart. All creation must have cringed, heaved, anguished. The words of the human language are not enough to capture my gratitude that His love is deeper than our rebellion.

And when I reconsider my first encounter, I rejoice. In light of Sunday, the empty tomb, the Risen Lord, the lesser of two deaths was the only threat that our would-be thief could make. Life is not contained in this body. Life cannot be contained, He never will be.

Alive, Forever, Amen by Travis Cottrell

"Death won't hurt me now because He has redeemed me
No grave will ever keep me from my King

Alive, alive, alive hallelujah!

Alive! praise and glory to the Lamb!

Alive, alive, alive hallelujah!

Alive, forever, Amen."

nearly two decades later

Last week I got tired of all the music on The Fish (or more accurately, I got tired of all their commercials), so I fished around in the random CD collection that usually rides dormant in my car. Before long I was rocking out to 4Him's 1996 release, "The Message", and reminiscing about all the dances and memories attached to every single word on the album that I still know by heart.

The style of the music certainly betrays the fact that it was written 1.5 decades ago, but I was struck by the truth that is still so true in the lyrics.

"To love God,

Love people,

That's the center of the mark"

"Love is free to grow where heaven's healing waters flow.

Though I may not understand

I'm livin' in the land of mercy."

"To live a love that never fails

Love my neighbor as myself

And to give 'til there is nothing left to give

To live a faith that never dies

To be crucified with Christ

Until all that lives through me

Is the Message."

I am so grateful to stand on Truth that never changes. But as I rejoiced in this fact, I realized just how influential these songs were as I learned them. I self-imposed a rule against secular music until high school, or maybe even college, but I never could have known exactly how that would shape who I am today.

Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC, whoever else, never really held that much appeal to me. My best friend, Mary Grace, recorded some songs off the radio onto a cassette tape for my 12 1/2 birthday; I enjoyed the half-song versions she was able to capture of "Bye Bye Bye," "Life After Love," and "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You." But I always reverted back to 4Him, Point of Grace and Phillips, Craig and Dean for my mirror concerts and ballet choreography. I cannot explain it, but the Christian music was what I liked, what I thrived on. It never made me popular, but I was not terribly concerned with that anyway.

As I have been thinking back on those years in the last few weeks through the lens of these lyrics, I am astounded to realize what a profound affect they had on my emotional and spiritual development. Even in this last week I have been encouraged to wake up with lyrics of truth fresh on my mind. Nevermind that their styles are beyond outdated, the message resounds and gives expression to my heart's cry. And I am finding that these songs were a critical ingredient in my formation through adolescence: protecting me, guiding me, molding me, focusing me. On the eternal, on the Word, on my King.

For instance, what pre-middle school girl does not need to internalize this truth:

"Well you can doubt your worth

And search for who you are and where you stand

But God made you in His image

When He formed you in His hand

And He looks at you with mercy

And He sees you through His love

You're His child and that will always be enough

For there's more to what you're worth

Than you could ever comprehend

Oh I say the measure of a man

Is not how tall you stand

How wealthy or intelligent you are

I found out the measure of a man

God knows and understands

For He looks inside to the bottom of your heart

And what's in the heart to find?

The measure of a man

You can spend your life pursuing physical perfection

There is so much more, more than ever meets the eye

For God looks through the surface

And He defines your worth by what is on the inside."

Or how is this for the prayer of a middle schooler:

"Let my eyes be fixed
On the hope that cannot fail
May my life be set
Where the Hammer meets the nail
Place my feet
Where the rubber meets the road
Shape my heart
To please Your eyes alone
That I may live my life
Where the chisel meets the stone

Chip away what tries to hide the truth
Until there is a remarkable

Resemblance of You"

"Face the Nation" was another clarifying tune for me. Wow. So many good ones.

And of course I have to mention a few specifics from Point of Grace:

"Shall we gather at the river of forgiveness

Come together at the waters of love

Flowing like a fountain from the mercy Giver

Shall we gather at the river?

We can wade into the middle where the healing waters flow

It only takes a little to heal a wounded soul

It will only bring us closer than we've ever been before

This is just what Jesus was praying for."

Or very memorable:

"What's He gonna say about me

When He weighs the works that
I have done
Against the words that I have
Failed to speak
What's He gonna say about me
When the chaff is sifted from the wheat
Will there be evidence that I believed

What's He gonna say about me"

Wow, I could go on and on. Phillips, Craig & Dean:

"You Don't Have the Right"

"Mercy Came Running"

"Crucified with Christ"

And a few years later, just as much gratitude for ZoeGirl and Plus One.

A word for any parents who may come across this post, please take it to heart that what your child is listening to right now may very well still shape their soul in 15 years. And that is a scary thought with all of the options they have in the secular world.

Thank you, Lord, for Truth and for hearts that respond to music. Thank you for Your servants who so faithfully make Truth catchy, not for their popularity, but so that Your bride may internalize Your love, refined by the repetition of songs that reveal who You are, led in deeper blamelessness to Your throne and to the wedding feast of the Lamb.