At first I almost felt like I was taking the easy way out by not doing a complete Daniel fast. But as I prayed about it, I knew this was what the Lord was asking. And as the days went on, I knew it was true fasting. It became difficult, challenging, revealing.
Sweets were simple at first. I had binged consistently since Thanksgiving (maybe even Halloween) so the first week was one of good riddance. No cravings. No temptations. No problem. But that really did not last long. As week two began I realized all the times I would typically turn to sweets to be the final word on a meal, fill free time, include me in social outings. I also noticed how natural it was, second-nature even, to reach for sweets without so much as a pause to ponder what I was about to eat, gauge my hunger, or reach for something healthier. I came to a point of perpetual hunger simply by removing this one dietary staple.
Snoozing my alarm? I knew from the beginning that it would not be an easy habit to break. I changed my alarm name to "snooze fast" so I would be immediately convicted and reminded each morning. The practice did wonders for my morning routine, allowing me to spend more time in the Word and less time rushing out the door. But it did eventually take a toll on my needed rest. I came to be exhausted and truly came to the end of myself. I started to see that my own righteousness, goodness and joy is hopelessly depleted before the alarm goes off if I am not consumed by Christ.
Secular music. It fills the car with "nothingness" to dance to, daydream to, escape to. Its emptiness makes reality evasion so easy. But Christian music causes me to live in reality, both on good days and on bad days. On good days, it brought me to praise, to true joy and intimacy with the Lord. And on bad days, it was convicting and irritating. I could not get away from my sin or discontent. It was ever before me. And even when I could not take it anymore, the music would be turned off and push me into dialogue with God about what I was doing, thinking, feeling, pursuing. It required honesty, gravity, decisive living. I don't want to dance through life without thinking.
As I fasted from each of these things and prayed for the community, I also began a journey toward determining who I want to be. My current place in life seems to require that I soon decide what I want to do, but I have also been given an incredible opportunity to take the time it requires to focus on who I am. I began a list of phrases I hope are uttered at my funeral, but was soon overwhelmed as the gap grew wider between who I am and all I desire to be. Spending so much time thinking about myself would have been miserable no matter how "good" the prognosis, but to see so many short-comings was nearly unbearable. This process took place in this last week, and as I reached the end of myself in so many ways, I became despondent, frustrated, irritable, and stuck.
For the life of me I could not talk myself out of the funk I was in. I had seen so much sin, so many ways in which I desperately want to be more like Christ, and exhausted so many resources of time and energy. So Thursday afternoon before the Night of Worship, as I reached my end, the Lord gently asked, "Are you done, Kate?" To which I responded, "Done with what?" He said, "Done trying to do life on your own? Will you let Me be everything? Not just what you do, but who you are?"
Maybe my head knew it in the past, but for the first time I recognized my dependency on Christ to be everything about me. I have to depend on Him, not just for what He can do through me, but who He can be through me. The realization brought such sweet freedom as He filled me with joy in His abundance, His overwhelming ability and willingness to rule and reign in my heart. My exhaustion gave way to relieve.
He is giving me righteousness to pursue this year, but I know it will be in His strength alone.
Love.
Boldness.
Discipline.
"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7
This is who I want to be. He will do it. Only God.
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