I love Riley. He is funny, sweet and smart. He can be a great helper and big brother. We enjoy reading together and singing together and chasing each other around the kitchen counter. I look forward to seeing him several times each week, and like all my little guys, he holds a special and meaningful place in my heart.
Riley really seems to love me. He tells his parents as much almost daily. He thinks I am at the door every time the doorbell rings. And he asks for me at nap time and bed time and all the time in between.
But he gave himself away a few weeks ago when I saw him at church. His first question was, "Katie, can we play Wii when you come to my house?" I realized for possibly the first time that what he really loves is Wii. He adores all things Mario and Luigi. And when I come over he gets to play. Therefore, he loves me.
Is this the way I relate to You, Lord? Do I beg for Your presence only because of the goodies that
accompany You?
Spending so much time with preschoolers is a truly telling experience and offers incredible insight on human nature. At the very root of it? Self. I am coming to believe that all discipline is a breaking of the innate assumption that one's self is center. On the one hand it makes sense. Children know very little relative to the rest of the world. And everything must be filtered through some frame of reference, the most basic being relation to self. But as they grow older and learn more about others and their needs, feelings and wants, they do not naturally shift the focal point of their existence to others. For this reason they actually forfeit greater enjoyment and fulfillment on a regular basis because they are not able to see beyond themselves for even brief amounts of time.
Riley's world revolves around Riley. Period. To be quite honest, Katie's world revolves around Katie. That's probably why his sin rubs me the wrong way so easily. He is a mirror for me in which I see the absurdity and devastation of my heart apart from Christ.
Tonight Riley wanted to play Wii. Then Riley wanted to play pool. Then Riley wanted to play in the jumpy house. Then Riley wanted to paint. Then Riley wanted a snack. Then Riley wanted to watch Dora. Then Riley wanted to watch Curious George.
And when Riley did not get his way, Riley pitched a fit. A dramatic, tearful, frantic fit.
Now, my feelings were not legitimately hurt, but there was at least one point when I wanted to cry. I had offered him so many fun options, but he kept pushing for the few things that were off limits. It had been a long day for me, but I genuinely wanted him to have an exciting time. He was very difficult.
I found myself thinking, "I did not have to come keep him. I never have to let him play Wii, much less play with him. For as much as he talks about loving me, it is clear when I am actually around that my presence is just a means to an end for him. And the end is always whatever he wants. He does not care that I am tired. He could never comprehend what my life is like. All he knows is that he often gets his favorite things when I am around. That is the only reason he loves me at all."
Lord, is that how I treat you? Do I invite You into my day only to pitch a massive fit when things do not
go my way? Or do I hound you with questions as though I have the right to interrogate your motives and
decisions? Do I ever consider how You must feel?
What's more is that taking care of Riley is part of my job. Yes, tonight was difficult. But I was compensated. Generously.
But I am utterly astounded by the fact that Jesus paid for the opportunity to be present in my life. He gave His life so that He could have a relationship with me, a twenty-two-year-old with a temper and a list of requests.
How often do I treat You the way that Riley treats me? How often am I worse to You than that?
And I am humbled. Again. And all I truly want is to know my Heavenly Father. Never mind the blessings He may bring, I want the wealth of His nearness. And when that wealth does not include any extras, I want the power to refrain from throwing a temper tantrum, from treating Him like my servant, from seeing only myself. Though it is much easier said than done, I do not want to reject my Jesus in any way. If I felt the sting of Riley's rejection, I pray I never cause such pain for anyone else, especially for the One who gave His life to bear the rejection I deserve.
Lord, be my treasure
Lord, be my love
Not what You give me
None other above
Be sweeter, be dearer
Than all else combined
Let my greatest joy
Be in calling You mine
Your favor, Your power
Your strength to endure
Are fine but Your Presence
Alone may my heart allure
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