Tuesday, December 6, 2011

writing things out

Rest, You say,
But it's so hard
Too tired to rest for real
I'm up and I'm down
Always "on" never off
Can You tell me which wounds need to heal?
They all feel raw
Open for trouncing 
Stretched thin to the point that they fray
Realize it or not
My heart has to cope
With this grief every minute each day
Get behind every thought
Get behind every tear
To what's really happening inside
It's all just a blur
All pent up within
I could not make sense if I tried
Nobody knows
Though some come close
But no one knows just how I feel
It's not their marriage
It's not their life
Not their separation to deal
And now You whisper
I knew You would
You do when I offer my all
It is Your marriage
Mine is Your life
This is us obeying Your call
I don't like it
I said it
I don't like it one bit
And You know
And it's fine
And you handle my fit
It's my heart
Not fake smiles
That You always pursue
I bring ugly
But honest
And give it to You
And Your voice is so tender
It melts my poor heart
As I've laid all I have at Your feet
You take ugly and honest
And cover with grace
And still Your abundance is wholly replete
You don't work with "ok"
No tools for "I'm fine"
So useless is "I'm good, and you?"
I must see my need
Not just see but admit
So that You can give mercies all new
I'm deficient alone
No clue what to do
I'm really just no good at this
For whatever reason
I trust that You have
There's something You won't let us miss
So we're here
And I'm grateful
You know that's no lie
It's so hard
But still good
Despite buckets I cry
But the point
You keep saying
Is how good I am not
And how
By sharp contrast
You've vanquished my rot
That I'm clueless
And hopeless
When considered alone
But You're holy
King on the throne
King in my heart
King of this day
Not King far away and aloof
And what better time
To remember Your love
You came down as a babe to give proof
Free to be me
Because You give You
No longer defined by my plight
The deeper my weakness
The more room for You
To display the great power of Your might
Well, here You go!
Display away!
Weaker I may never have been
Still my heart is Your canvas
I trust Your scarred hands
For Your glory my all. With love, Katie Lynn

"Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with You."
Psalm 116:7

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love this. And I love that you are giving yourself permission to not be fine right now. This is my third deployment that we're just beginning and I keep trying to tell myself, "This is what we do... It's no big deal," But I find that I'm still finding many moments where I am NOT FINE thankyouverymuch and you're right.... God can't work with me unless I'm honest about that. Thank you for reminding me of that.